Emily Vujicic, Psychologist

Sometimes it’s incredible to think about what our body can take during times of stress. We can continue to ‘soldier on’ during busy and stressful life events, while juggling work, family, friends, finances, and the list continues. Being a parent can bring about some of the most stressful times of our lives. We can find that we become exhausted, and resentful, and while juggling all of those balls, it often feels like what we are doing is just not good enough.

Most of the time, we find that we can do this OK, but ‘burning the candle at both ends’ over a prolonged period of time can have a significant and detrimental effect on our health and well-being.

There are 6 specific areas of life/work that have been identified as contributing to stress and burnout.

A feeling of a lack of control, and not having a say in what is going on can be created by the uncertainty or ambiguity of a situation.

When your core values are in conflict with someone or with an event, this can be very stressful. This may be an increase in work demands that is impacting on family time.

Feeling taken for granted or feel like you are not being appreciated can be a common feeling for all parents and can be a contributor to those feelings of resentment.

With demands of home and work, it can often feel like it is impossible to prioritise. Everything seems like it is the most important task, and it can feel endless.

Feeling on top of things can be even harder if you feel like there is something that is unfair about what is in front of you.

Finally, if you feel like there is a breakdown of in the connection between your loved ones, it can feel incredibly stressful and isolating.

As the stress continues we find that we continue to get sick. This is because our immune system is being weakened, and we are more vulnerable to illness. It also takes us longer to feel better when we are stressed. We also feel a lack of energy or fatigued. It might mean coming home from work and being unable to muster up the energy to do extra things like exercise, or hobbies that you enjoy.
 
To help reduce the chance of burnout, it takes practise to remind ourselves to be “good enough” and not perfect. This is not always easy, and it much easier said than done, but it helps us to remember the good and positive things that we are doing and achieving, rather than the things we are not doing, or missing. The feelings of gratitude are a major contributor to happiness, while perfectionism can be linked to depression and anxiety. Read Part 2 of this blog post to learn how to help bring your focus back to the positive. 

Megan Mellington, Psychologist

As a parent, we will undoubtedly encounter moments of frustration towards our children. It could be awoken by the simplest of circumstances, such as needing to repeat ourselves like a broken record, intervening with siblings squabbling over a toy, or because we are stressed by other things and our tolerance for managing challenging behaviours is limited.

However, as many of you might already have experienced, when we respond with anger this often only escalates the situation with our child, and they too may then respond in a similar manner. While many of us have regrettably resorted to shouting, questioning or punishments out of anger, what is important to remember, first of all, is that you are human.

Anger is a normal part of the spectrum of human emotions. Anger isn’t bad, it reminds us that we are passionate about something like perhaps wishing to raise respectful, emotionally regulated and empathic little humans. So when less than desirable behaviours are observed in our children, we want to help them develop ways to self-manage, through teaching and implementing boundaries.

​Sometimes though, when we have been teaching and redirecting our children all day, our waning tolerance for their tantrums or perceived “defiance” can move us to anger. This article aims to outline some tips about how to tame our own “angries” so that you can engage with your children in a mindful and empathic way.

I've previously shared Dr Dan Siegal's video explanation of what happens in the brain when we get angry and how the thinking part gets shut down. So how do we get our “thinking brain” back online so that we can respond in a more helpful way for our children? The following are several brief tips I often use in parent consultations to support this process:

• When the breath is calm, the mind will follow: When we are in the throes of our own anger, the simplest and quickest way to re-engage the thinking brain is to take slow deep breaths. Once the “alarm system” part of the brain has been switched off through breath, we are better able to engage in rational thought processes, thus increasing our capacity to respond to our children in a more mindful manner.

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• Step away and come back to the situation. If anger is coming up for you, and as long as your child is safe, it is best to step away for a moment, regroup with a few deep breaths, and then ponder what you would like to teach in that moment. Getting your thinking brain back online before responding will help you engage more positively, and help you guide and offer redirection. It is important to inform your child about what you are doing. This will also help them understand that this is an adaptive way of managing anger.

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• Think about what kind of parent you want to be: Sometimes taking a pause before responding reactively to your child by pondering what kind of parent you want and how you would like your child to remember you, can help to shape your response. For example, if you’re prone to yelling, what will this teach your child about how to manage anger, and will this move you towards or away from the parent you want to be.

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• Rupture and repair: Dan Siegal states that ruptures in the relationships with our children are inevitable and can occur when we respond in highly emotional and reactive ways. But all is not lost, and repair can assist in creating a healing reconnection with our child. Repair also provides a space for letting your child know that you are human, we all experience anger and that if we say or do something that hurts another’s feelings, we can work through these experiences and reconnect.

     Repair involves:

1. Insight into your own emotional overreaction
2. Taking a moment to analyse what is really going on in the situation
3. Tuning in emotionally to what is happening for your child and naming it
4. Making efforts to let your child know that it was an overreaction, and providing recognition of our effect on them
5. Problem solving with your child about how you might manage this situation in future

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• Reframing: It may be the case when we have “flipped our lid” and we are feeling angry with our children that we have thoughts of “he is so defiant”, or “my child is manipulative”. But when we become fused with these ideas, this can often create further frustration. What if we were to instead reframe these thoughts so that we could then reduce our own distress and respond more empathically? For example, instead of thinking “she is deliberately trying to frustrate me”, try to reframe the observed behaviour by asking ourselves “what is my child trying to communicate to me?”

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• Focus on the desired behaviour: Instead of paying attention to what the child is doing “wrong”, try changing your language to help the child understand what it is you would like them to do. For example, instead of saying “Don’t spill it”, you could say “carry it with two hands”. This may take some conscious effort to re-word our initial response to our children but may assist in reducing frustration by way of giving our child direct instructions about what behaviour you would like to see. ​

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We can’t always be an emotionally regulated parent, and we shouldn’t expect this of ourselves. Even if we do take our anger out on our children, there are many things we can do to minimise the likelihood of this happening in future. If we can tame our “angries” by recognising our emotional state, taking a pause before responding, and regulating ourselves before attempting to regulate our child, we are modelling adaptive and healthy ways of managing anger. ​

By Jessica Cleary, Psychologist

​"Your normal may be their magic."

It's all about perspective mamas! This video is sure to pull at your heart strings as you watch vlogger Esther Anderson's moving piece of her day from the perspective of both herself and then her young daughter.

This time of year means different things for different people. It can be a time where families come together, a time when we are reminded of what might have been, a time of joy or a time of sadness. Emotions are heightened and stress levels can be high.

When our stress levels are running high it doesn’t take much to send us over the edge and get fired up about things that wouldn’t normally bother us..  

To keep the rising stress at bay, here are 6 ways to reduce the Chirstmas chaos overwhelm.

1. Find small pockets of time to take deep breaths. As simple as it sounds, remember to breath. When you are doing routine things such as washing your hands, waiting for the kettle to boil or doing a few dishes, make this your time to breathe deeply. Deep breathing triggers our parasympathetic nervous system, offsets stress and elicits a calming feeling.
2. Enjoy the moment. Even the most stressful of days offers moments where everything is OK – you just have to remember to notice them. And when you do, slow down and appreciate it. Sip your coffee and watch the world around you for a few minutes. Stop meal preparation and watch the kids play for two minutes. Soak in the ‘now’ without thought of the future or the past. Savour the experience.
3. Move your body. Go for a walk, stretch, dance in the kitchen, play wrestle with the kids - it doesn’t matter what it is – just move! Research tells us that even five minutes of high-intensity exercise can stimulate anti-anxiety effects in the body.  
4. Pause before responding. When our buttons are pushed it can trigger us to react in a certain way. If our baseline stress levels are already high then the kids' fight over who got the biggest biscuit may just push you over the edge. For some this may be to yell and for others it may be to grab those darn biscuits and throw them in the bin. Instead of your ‘default’ reaction being triggered in times of stress, pause and consciously choose how you will respond to the situation.  Give yourself 5 seconds to take a deep breath, let the wave of stress/anger/frustration wash over you and then respond.
5. Do something fun. It’s too easy to forget about having fun when we are overloaded with things that MUST GET DONE. But if we wait for times when there isn’t anything to do, we may be waiting until all the kids have left home. Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that could happen if I don’t sweep this floor now? If I don’t send that email now? If I don’t get that washing on now? If no one is going to die, then you can probably leave it for 10 minutes. Play a game of cards, kick a ball around outside, do a crossword, tell each other jokes from a joke book – whatever is fun for you.  
6. Be kind to yourself. For many parents this time of year is very stressful. Schedules are full of end of year concerts, parties and get togethers, and there is little down time. Parents and students alike can be cranky and tired, more than ready for the summer break to unwind and recharge. So don’t expect yourself to be perfect. Acknowledge this to yourself, do what you can and accept what you can’t.

 
The beauty about these ideas is that you can start immediately. They are simple and if you can introduce a couple of them to your days, you are sure to notice a difference in the way you feel.