 Most parents have experienced it.
Your child becomes upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed and before long, you can feel your own stress levels rising too. This isn't a parenting failure. It's part of being human. We are wired to respond to the emotional states of the people around us, particularly those we care about. Within families, emotions can spread quickly. One person's distress can affect everyone else in the room. This is one reason why helping children regulate their emotions is not just about teaching coping strategies. It's also about what children experience from the adults around them. Children learn a great deal about managing emotions by watching how the important adults in their lives respond to stress, frustration, disappointment, and overwhelm. Children Learn Emotional Regulation Through Relationships Before children can calm themselves, they rely on adults to help them feel safe and regulated. Psychologists often refer to this process as co-regulation. When a parent remains calm, speaks gently, and responds in a predictable way during difficult moments, they help signal safety to a child's nervous system. Over time, children begin to internalise these experiences. What starts as: "My parent helps me calm down." gradually becomes: "I know how to calm myself down." Self-regulation develops through hundreds of these everyday interactions. Why Modelling Calm Matters Children are always watching. They notice how adults respond when they make a mistake, get stuck in traffic, spill a drink, receive disappointing news, or have a difficult day. When children regularly see adults managing emotions in healthy ways, they learn that strong feelings are a normal part of life and that there are safe ways to handle them. This doesn't mean parents need to stay calm all the time. In fact, seeing adults recover after difficult moments can be just as valuable as seeing them stay calm. Practical Ways to Model RegulationLet your child hear your coping strategiesChildren benefit from hearing adults talk about how they manage emotions. For example: "I'm feeling frustrated, so I'm going to take a few slow breaths." "I need a minute to think before I answer." "I've had a stressful day. I'm going to go for a quick walk." These moments make coping visible and teach children that regulation is something we actively practise. Practise calming strategies togetherChildren are more likely to use regulation strategies when they are familiar and feel connected to positive experiences. You might try:
These activities can become part of everyday family life rather than something reserved only for difficult moments. Show that taking space is healthy Sometimes the best thing we can do is pause. Let your child see that adults occasionally step away to regulate their own emotions. For example: "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I'm going to sit quietly for a few minutes." Later, you might say: "I feel much calmer now." This teaches children that taking space is a healthy coping strategy, not something to feel guilty about. Notice effort When children attempt to use a calming strategy, acknowledge it. You might say: "I noticed you took a big breath when you were upset." "You told me you needed some quiet time. That was really helpful." Recognising effort helps children continue developing these skills, even when the strategy doesn't work perfectly. Remember that repair matters No parent remains calm all the time. We all lose patience, raise our voice, or react in ways we later wish we hadn't. What matters most is what happens next. When we apologise, reflect, and repair, we teach children valuable lessons about accountability, self-awareness, and relationships. A simple: "I'm sorry I shouted. I was feeling frustrated, and I wish I'd handled it differently." can be incredibly powerful. Children don't need perfect parents. They need adults who are willing to model learning, growth, and repair. When we show children how we navigate difficult emotions, we give them a roadmap for managing their own. Every deep breath, pause, moment of repair, and act of self-compassion becomes part of that lesson. Over time, children learn that emotions are not something to fear or avoid. They are experiences that can be understood, managed, and moved through safely. If you'd like to learn more about supporting your child's emotional regulation, the online Harmony Parenting Program provides practical, evidence-informed strategies to help you respond to big feelings with greater calm, confidence, and connection. Learn more at Harmony Hub Parenting Program  Every child has an “emotional cup”, an internal reservoir that holds their sense of love, safety, and connection. When it’s full, children cope well with challenges, play cooperatively, and show resilience. But when that cup starts to run low, you may notice big emotions, clinginess, or defiance bubbling to the surface.
As parents, it can be easy to misread these moments as “bad behaviour.” In reality, they’re signs of an emotional need. Just as a hungry child needs food, an emotionally depleted child needs reconnection and reassurance. How to Recognise When Your Child’s Cup Is Running Low Children often don’t have the words to say, “I’m feeling disconnected.” Instead, they show us through behaviour and body language. Here are some common signs a child’s emotional cup might need refilling: 1. Clinginess or Neediness When children seek constant closeness, follow you from room to room, or ask for attention repeatedly, it’s not manipulation, it’s a call for connection. 2. Frequent Meltdowns or Irritability A short fuse, crying easily, or frustration over small things can be a clue that your child’s emotional reserves are low. Their capacity to cope with stress has run out. 3. Defiance or “Attitude” Sometimes disconnection shows up as pushing boundaries, arguing, or saying “no” to everything. Behind that defiance, there’s usually a child testing, “Will you still stay close when I’m hard to love?” 4. Withdrawal or Quietness Some children withdraw rather than act out. They might seem distant, prefer to be alone, or lose interest in play. These quieter signs of emptiness often go unnoticed but are just as important. 5. Regression Old behaviours may resurface: clinginess at bedtime, baby talk, or toilet accidents. This is a child’s way of seeking comfort and safety during emotional strain. Ways to Refill Your Child’s Emotional Cup Refilling doesn’t require big gestures. The smallest moments, done with presence and empathy, have the greatest impact. Here’s how you can gently top up your child’s emotional reserves: 1. Pause and Reconnect Before You Correct When behaviour flares up, try connecting first, correcting later. “You seem really upset right now. Let’s take a breath together.” Once your child feels seen, they’ll be far more open to guidance or limits. 2. Offer Calm Presence Sit near your child quietly, even if they don’t want to talk. Your calm body language communicates safety more powerfully than words. 3. Physical Touch A hug, a back rub, or holding hands can regulate a child’s nervous system instantly. Physical closeness is one of the fastest ways to refill an emotional cup. 4. Spend Focused, Distraction-Free Time Even 10 minutes of “special time”, where your child leads and you follow, can restore connection. Put your phone aside and give your full attention to their world. 5. Listen Without Fixing Sometimes children just need to be heard, not solved. “That sounds really hard. I can understand why you’d feel that way.” Listening validates feelings and fills the cup with empathy. 6. Rituals of Connection Daily rituals such as a bedtime story, morning cuddle, or after-school snack together act as emotional “refill stations.” Predictability helps children feel secure and loved. 7. Laughter and Play Playfulness is a powerful emotional reset. A few minutes of silliness, a tickle game, or dancing in the kitchen can transform tension into closeness. What to Remember in Hard Moments When a child’s emotional cup is empty, they’re not trying to make life difficult, they’re trying to show us they need something. Try shifting your inner dialogue from: “They’re being difficult.” to “They’re having a difficult time.” That small mental shift opens the door to empathy and connection, rather than power struggles. Don’t Forget Your Cup Too Children co-regulate with the adults around them. When your own emotional cup is empty, it’s much harder to offer patience and calm. Refill yours too - through rest, support, connection, or self-care - so you can show up with the energy your child needs. Final Note When we respond to challenging behaviour with understanding rather than frustration, we teach our children that relationships can hold strong... even when emotions are big. Filling a child’s emotional cup isn’t about avoiding all upset; it’s about creating a secure base they can return to. Over time, this builds not just calm, but confidence and trust. Every meltdown, every clingy moment, every tear is a quiet invitation: “Help me feel safe again.” When we answer that call with presence and empathy, their cup - and ours - begins to fill once more.  Helping your child embrace their unique way of being in the world.
It’s a moment that can tug at any parent’s heart: your child comes home quiet, withdrawn, or teary-eyed, saying they don’t fit in. Maybe their classmates don’t share their interests, or they’re frustrated that others don’t understand them. Maybe they’ve already picked up on the subtle ways they’re treated as “different.” For many neurodivergent children, this feeling can start early. They might notice that loud noises bother them when others don’t flinch, that they think deeply about things other kids brush off, or that school feels harder—or easier—in unexpected ways. Whatever the difference is, it can make the world feel lonely sometimes. But here’s the beautiful truth: different doesn’t mean less. And as parents, we have the power to help our children see that too. 1. Listen First—Without Fixing When your child shares their hurt, your instinct might be to jump in and reassure: “You’re not that different!” or “Everyone feels that way sometimes.” But gentle parenting asks us to pause and really listen. Try sitting beside them, offering a calm presence. You might say: “That sounds really hard.” “It makes sense that you’d feel sad about that.” Validation builds trust. It tells your child, “Your feelings matter. You matter.” Once they feel safe, their nervous system can relax—and real healing can begin. 2. Reframe “Different” as “Unique and Needed” Children often see “different” as something wrong. You can help them rewrite that story. Talk about how their brain and body simply work in their own way—beautifully tuned to notice things, think creatively, or experience the world deeply. You might say: “Your brain works in such an amazing way. That’s part of what makes you you.” If your child has a diagnosis, name it with neutrality and pride. Saying, “You’re autistic, and that means your brain is wired for detail and honesty,” helps them understand themselves without shame. 3. Create a Safe Harbour at Home The world can feel unpredictable for kids who sense everything more intensely or who struggle with social norms. Home can be their soft place to land. You can:
4. Tell Stories That Reflect Their Experience Representation matters. Read books and share stories that feature neurodivergent characters or real people who think differently. Celebrate inventors, artists, and leaders who thrived because of their unique minds—people like Chloé Hayden, Greta Thunberg, or Simone Biles. When your child sees others like them living fully and proudly, it reinforces that being different can be a strength. 5. Support Authentic Friendships—Not Forced Fitting-In It’s natural to want your child to be included, but inclusion shouldn’t come at the cost of authenticity. Some kids blossom in one-on-one friendships rather than big groups. Others prefer parallel play or shared interests over traditional socialising. Instead of teaching them to mask or “fit in,” help them find spaces where they can belong as they are. Clubs, online communities (with your guidance), or local neurodivergent-friendly groups can help them connect with others who truly understand. 6. Model Self-Acceptance Your child watches how you treat yourself. Share moments when you felt different or misunderstood, and how you learned to embrace those parts of yourself. “I used to feel shy about being quiet, but now I know it’s one of my strengths—I notice things others miss.” When you show self-compassion, your child learns that loving oneself fully is not only okay—it’s powerful. 7. Advocate, Gently but Firmly If your child’s school or community doesn’t yet understand their needs, your advocacy matters. Whether that means requesting accommodations, educating teachers about sensory sensitivities, or simply explaining your child’s communication style—it all helps. You’re showing your child that their needs are worth honoring. In the End: Love Them as They Are, Not as the World Expects The goal isn’t to help your child “blend in.” It’s to help them root deeply in who they are, so they can move through life with self-trust and pride. Your unconditional love, your gentle presence, and your belief in their worth—these are the things that will guide them home to themselves, again and again. Because the truth is, every child deserves to feel that who they are is exactly enough.  A life without worry is a dangerous thing. It would mean a lack of concern for consequences of our actions, a reduction in reflective thinking and a reduced drive to get things done by a deadline. It would mean we would step out in front of the busy road, or test if the iron is hot by using our finger. Worry has been a safety mechanism for us throughout the evolutionary process, and has help ensure our survival. The point being, that a little bit of worry is a good thing. The other end of the scale is a debilitating experience when we cannot think of anything but mistakes we have made or have a fear of the future that is enough to make us physically sick and interrupt our lives. So how do we know when to worry about worry? How much is enough? And how to help foster a sense of safety without taking away our children’s ability to experience worry and instead learn to cope with it? If compared to other children you see that your child gets worried more often, and more intensely than others, and things have persisted for some time, then it might be time to get some professional support. Other signs to look out for include irritability, avoidance of things they might have previously enjoyed, physical complaints like a sore tummy, or comments like things being ‘boring’ or ‘stupid’, when they may in fact be difficult and your child is feeling afraid. Not wanting to go to school or see friends can be a red flag for a child experiencing anxiety. As a parent, there are some things you can do at home to help foster a sense of resilience to things that may be worrying and help your child cope with those feelings. Some possible ways include:
The relationship building that you do with your child will ultimately underpin these strategies. Being able to give them the confidence to believe what you say, to confide in you, and to give them the feeling of independence and competence to take on the world. Don’t minimise the positive interactions that you have together in the big jigsaw puzzle of your child’s world. Plant the seeds of the relationship when they are 5, so they know when they are 15, that you are cheering them on.  As complex and daunting as aggressive behaviour can appear, the way to respond can be simple and involves answering 3 questions:
1. What emotions am I (as the parent or carer) feeling right now? If we are not emotionally regulated when we respond to a child, there is a high likelihood that this will only perpetuate the situation. The child’s need remains unmet and they now also have additional stress. As the saying goes (and neuroscience attests to), ‘when we are at our angriest… we are at our stupidest’. Speaking of, when children are highly emotionally dysregulated they don’t have access to their pre-frontal cortex which is responsible for problem-solving, reasoning and perspective taking. So, asking them to ‘make a good choice’ at the height of aggressive behaviour probably isn’t going to work. We should try and emulate what we can see a duck in a pond look like; on the surface it is calm and graceful, underneath is a little more frantic but that is hidden from view. 2. How are environmental factors influencing the situation? Many times, behaviours are influenced by those observing it. Removing other children or adults can be the catalyst for de-escalation. Similarly, removing yourself partially or fully as a responder (when safe to do so) can also be what is required for de-escalation to occur. 3. What does my child feel, need or want? Behaviour is almost always a form of communication that expresses a need. Identifying and reflecting back your child’s need or feeling goes halfway to solving the problem. There is a difference between caving into unrealistic demands and simply demonstrating to your child that you can hear and understand their frustration. Children may need up to a few hours to recover and return to a baseline state. This is the time to have that conversation about what they can do to get their needs met next time in a more adaptive way. If you are seeking parenting support or support for your child, please contact the clinic to book an appointment with one of our psychologists.  A tantrum is an outburst of intense, emotion-driven behaviour that can be exhibited by young children. They typically start between the ages of 1 and 4, and can last well into later childhood years. A meltdown is ALSO an intense and overwhelming emotional response that can be exhibited by individuals, but they can occur at any age, and are more commonly associated with neurodevelopmental conditions such as autism, sensory processing disorder, ADHD, anxiety, as well as some mental health difficulties, such as PTSD. During both tantrums, and meltdowns, an individual may scream, cry, kick, throw objects, hurt themselves accidentally or on purpose, or withdraw and seem to shut down. Tantrums can occur in response to frustration, anger, or other strong emotions, and can be triggered by a variety of factors, such as hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, or a desire for attention or control. Tantrums are a normal part of child development and can be a way for children to express their emotions when they do not yet have the language skills to do so effectively. Meltdowns can also be triggered by a variety of factors, such as sensory overload, emotional stress, changes in routine, or difficulty with communication or social interaction. In both tantrums and meltdowns, the behaviours can be distressing for both the individual experiencing the difficult emotions, and for those around them. And it’s important to note that something might start as a tantrum, but as the individual becomes increasingly overwhelmed by their emotions and the bodily sensations and stress these bring about, they might move into meltdown. In either instance, we need to understand that the child or individual isn’t behaving this way on purpose and that they feel awful. Nobody likes having these strong and overwhelming emotions, and most of us want to feel calm and happy rather than angry and upset. A calm, compassionate, and curious approach to individuals who are experiencing strong emotions is often the fastest way to both help them back to calm, and understand what happened to them. If you or your child are struggling with tantrums or meltdowns, you might like to have a look at our Director, Jessica Cleary’s evidence-based Calm and Connected Parenting Program to help you understand what’s going on, and to calm the chaos. You can find a link HERE. Helping Teens Through Disappointment: 5 Compassionate Strategies for Uncontrollable Outcomes30/6/2023
by Jessica Cleary, Psychologist  Like many parents in Australia I have a devastated teenager in the house after fruitless efforts trying to get Taylor Swift tickets this week. As parents, we strive to support our teenagers through life's ups and downs, including moments of disappointment that are beyond their control. Whether it's missing out on tickets to Tay Tay or facing other circumstances where they have no influence over the outcome, our role as compassionate and loving parents becomes crucial. By providing the right guidance and support, we can help our teenagers navigate disappointment and emerge stronger and more resilient. Here are five tips to assist you in helping your teenager through situations where they lack control, with love and understanding. 1) Practice active empathy: In moments of disappointment, actively empathise with your teenager's feelings and experiences. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand the depth of their emotions. Let them know that you are there to listen and support them wholeheartedly. By showing genuine empathy, you create a strong bond and provide reassurance that they are not alone in their struggles. 2) Avoid comparisons: Avoid comparing your teenager's disappointment to others' experiences or minimising their feelings. Each person's disappointments are valid and unique to them. Remember that everyone has different expectations and sensitivities, and what might seem insignificant to one person can be deeply disappointing for another. By avoiding comparisons, you create an atmosphere of compassion and respect for their individual emotions. Any sentence that starts with "At least..." is one to be avoided. 3) Encourage self-expression: Once the dust settles a little, encourage your teenager to express their disappointment through creative outlets, such as writing, painting, or playing music. These forms of self-expression can provide a cathartic release for their emotions and allow them to process their disappointment in a constructive way. By embracing their creativity, you empower them to channel their feelings into something meaningful and transformative. 4) Be patient and non-judgmental: It's essential to be patient and non-judgmental when supporting your teenager through disappointment. Avoid offering quick solutions or trying to snap them out of it. It's very uncomfortable for us to see our children distressed so often we can try to shift them out of their 'mood' to ease our own distress. That's not what's needed here. Instead, provide them with the space and time they need to process their emotions and navigate their own path to healing. By demonstrating patience and non-judgment, you foster an environment of trust, emotional safety and unconditional love. 5) Nurture self-compassion: In situations where disappointment arises from circumstances beyond their control, it's crucial to nurture self-compassion within your teenager. Encourage them to be kind to themselves and avoid self-blame or negative self-talk. If you notice any of this type of talk, gently remind them that disappointments are not personal failures and that they are not defined by external outcomes. Teach them to practice self-care and self-compassion by engaging in activities that promote their well-being, such as spending time with loved ones, pursuing hobbies, or engaging in mindfulness practices. It’s so hard to bear witness to our children’s experience of disappointment. Remember that your support and understanding are invaluable in helping your teenager face these challenges and emerge stronger. These practices can help your teenager embrace the uncertainties of life, navigate disappointments, and forge a path towards a fulfilling and resilient future with a compassionate heart.
 As a parent, it's understandable that you want to be the best caregiver you can be for your child, but often parents find themselves busy, tired, overwhelmed and unable to connect with their children in the way they’d love to.
It's important to remember that it’s not about being a perfect parent, but trying to be a more mindful parent. Being a mindful parent is about being present and compassionate with yourself and your child, and this takes practice. Practicing mindfulness as a parent can be a powerful tool for enriching your relationship with your child and fostering a deeper sense of connection and understanding. By being more present with your child and practicing non-judgmental awareness, you can create a safe and supportive space for them to explore and grow. Here are 3 steps to being a more mindful parent: 1. Practice self-care As a parent, it can be easy to get caught up in the demands of daily life and neglect your own wellbeing. However, taking care of yourself is essential for being a mindful parent. Make time for activities that nourish your mind and body, such as exercise, eating healthy, or spending time in nature. By prioritizing your own well-being, you'll be better equipped to be present with your children. 2. Practice active listening Mindful parenting involves being fully present and engaged with your children. One way to do this is to practice active listening. This means giving your full attention to your child when they're speaking, without interrupting or rushing them. Listen to their words, tone, and body language, and respond with empathy and understanding. By truly listening to your child, you can deepen your connection with them and help them feel seen and heard. 3. Practice non-judgmental awareness Mindful parenting involves being aware of your own thoughts and emotions, as well as those of your child. Rather than reacting to challenging situations, try to approach them with non-judgmental awareness. This means observing your own thoughts and emotions without judgment or criticism, and responding with kindness and compassion. By modelling this kind of awareness and acceptance for your child, you can help them develop a healthy relationship with their own thoughts and emotions. Remember to be gentle with yourself as you cultivate your mindfulness practice. It's okay if you have moments of distraction or judgment - that's all part of the learning process. The important thing is to approach each moment with curiosity and compassion, and to continue practicing even when it feels a little challenging. For more support, please reach out and book an appointment with one of our friendly psychologists Abby Elder. Provisional Psychologist  Picture this... An eruption of screaming and fighting pierces your ears. Again. Your eight year old son rushes into the lounge room sobbing and throws himself on the couch next to you. Another fight with his older sister over who gets to choose what game to play together. ‘You are supposed to be having fun and building lifelong memories to be treasured forever!’ You think to yourself. When did having fun become so hard? If your child sometimes appears to be made of glass, try these 9 ways to build resilience, or the ability to recover from the inevitable disappointments and challenges of life. 1.Growth mindset Encourage a practice of gratitude and excitement by asking your child to identify one thing they are looking forward to the next day. 2. Define resilience in age appropriate ways Look for examples in nature like a tree that has continued to grow despite a concrete barrier. Or name some models of a can do attitude in literature or film. 3. Practise the calm How do you feel when you are told to just calm down? Most adults know the bubbling rage that this phrase can instill yet we continue to use this command when a child is overwhelmed. Instead try practicing the calm with your child every day, like taking a vitamin supplement. This can be a three minute body scan that encourages your child to be more aware of body sensations that are signals they need help. Or try green grounding, which encourages a short connection to nature. Think setting a five minute timer on your phone and going cloud gazing. The key to practicing the calm is scheduling it every day at a time when it is achievable. 4. Check your own reactions and expectations Emotions are catching. Children can perceive when we have unrealistic expectations that we are placing on them. Such as, my child should be invited to every birthday party thrown by every classmate. Or, I am a terrible parent because my child is struggling to comprehend long division. Try practising some short, self compassion meditations that will build your own resilience. 5. Encourage problem solving, don’t solve the problem Resiliency is not a force field that repels life’s problems. It’s the confidence that no matter what problem we are faced with there are solutions. Problem solving just like any skill needs to be learned. Parents often want to swoop in and solve their child’s problems, however this is taking away the opportunity from your child to learn how to solve their own problems. 6. Skill building missions Plan for ways your child can prove to herself she is a problem solver. Let her pay for the produce next time you duck into the shops. Bite your tongue when your five year old picks an outfit that slightly clashes, at least they are dressed! Encourage your 11 year old to create a menu of family dinners. 7. Call out your own fragile behaviour, but don’t shame it Name when you are feeling a bit fragile, and role model problem solving through the uncomfortable feelings to your child. 8. Acknowledge the good when it happens We are good at identifying the tough times but we often do not pause and say how great things are going. By acknowledging the good we remind our children that nothing is permanent, the bad times come, and then so do the good times. 9. Encourage accountability Resiliency is about doing what we can with what we have. Encourage your child to name what is in their control the next time they are having a tough time. This will make the path to solutions more clear. For support for you or your child/ren, learn more about our online parenting program
 It's completely understandable to feel frustrated and overwhelmed when your child is behaving in ways that are the opposite of what you would like, despite your best efforts. Remember that as a parent, it's important to approach these situations with warmth, understanding, and a willingness to learn and grow. It can be helpful to take a step back and re-evaluate your expectations for your child's behaviour. Remember that all children make mistakes and may exhibit challenging behaviours from time to time. Sometimes as parents we our expectations of our children can fall outside of their abilities - by setting developmentally appropriate expectations, you can help your child feel more confident and supported. When your child is behaving in challenging ways, it's important to remain calm and respond in a consistent manner. Reacting impulsively or losing your temper can escalate the situation and make it more difficult to address the behaviour. Instead, try to stay calm and firm in your response, and be consistent in your expectations and consequences. Dr Daniel Siegel, a renowned psychiatrist and author who specialises in child development and neuroscience, has popularised the phrase "connection before correction." This means that before we try to correct or discipline our children, we need to focus on building a strong connection with them. As parents, we want our children to listen to us, respect our authority, and follow rules. However, in order for children to feel willing to listen to us, they need to feel a strong connection with us first. Connection refers to the quality of the relationship between the parent and the child. This includes trust, understanding, empathy, and communication. We often make the mistake of FIRST correcting a child’s behaviour (by telling them off, punishing them, or trying to immediately make them cease their behaviour), and THEN later try to understand what happened to cause them to behave this way. This makes sense to our adult brains, but is unfortunately in the wrong order for children to be able to make sense of. When we instead prioritise connection before we provide corrective responses, we are showing our children that we care about them as individuals, that we want to understand them and what’s upsetting them, causing them to experience big emotions and behaviours, and that we are committed to building a strong and positive relationship with them. By doing this, we create an environment where our children feel safe and supported, which can help them regulate their emotions and behaviour. To put it simply, we need to focus on understanding our children's perspectives, actively listening to them, and showing empathy and compassion towards them. This approach is not only more effective in helping children learn and grow, but also nurtures them to develop into happy, healthy, and resilient individuals. Remember that parenting is a journey, and it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them. By approaching these situations with warmth, understanding, and a willingness to learn and grow, you can help your child develop positive habits and behaviours over time. If you're feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to address your child's behaviour, consider seeking support from Jessica Cleary’s Calm and Connected Parenting online course, or book a consultation with one of our talented and passionate clinicians. We can provide guidance and support in developing effective strategies for addressing challenging behaviours and strengthening your relationship with your child.  Just like an iceberg, when it comes to behaviour, there's so much more going on beneath the surface.
If we only pay attention to what we see, then we're not considering the full picture. You can't deeply understand an individual action without exploring at least some of those things that are rumbling below the surface. In fact, what goes on underneath is what gives rise to the behaviour that you see. Important motivators of the behaviour of young children include their needs and their feelings. What we don't see that influences behaviour includes things like a child's individual temperament, their emotions at the time, different sensory needs such as lighting and sound sensitivities, developmental capacity and limits, past experience that they bring into the moment, thoughts, internal sensations, executive functioning challenges that can affect planning, impulsivity, memory, physiological needs. All of these things we don’t see, are going to give rise to what we are actually seeing above the surface. When you start to feel challenged or frustrated by your child's behaviours, take some time to consider things on a deeper level. What could be going on below the surface? Our online Parenting Program explores child behaviour at great length with many strategies for you to use to navigate challenging parenting situations Jessica Cleary, Psychologist  How did your kids go at the beginning of the new school year? If you do kinder or school drop-off you will have noticed some kids take the new challenge in their stride, whereas others have a much harder time with the transition and separation from their parents.
Maybe you found yourself with a little one who was crying and clinging and begging you not to leave. I feel for you if this was the case – it’s so hard! Or maybe your child complained of tummy-aches or headaches before leaving home. This is a common symptom of anxiety. It’s fairly common for some kids to have troubles adjusting to school. Although there is no magic solution when supporting your child through separation anxiety, here are some ideas for you: Find a friend It helps immensely when kids have a friend at school. Ask the teacher who your child seems to play with the most and introduce yourself to the parent at either drop off or pick up. Arrange a play date over at your house or a park to help nurture that relationship. Talk about it ahead of time If you know that tomorrow is likely to be another morning of tears and clingy behaviour then talk about it today when you are both feeling calm and relaxed. When children fear something, they need the opportunity to express and feel their feelings. Some of their worries or concerns may seem small or insignificant to us, but for them they are very real and should be believed and respected. It is important to acknowledge that the feeling of worry is very real for your child. After you've validated their feelings, then gently move to problem solving. Remind them of the fun parts of the day like playing with a friend or lunchtime (if this is fun for them). Remind them that after a little bit of upset they were able to enjoy the school day and they got to do new and exciting things. Let them know that you will ALWAYS come back at the end of the day to pick them up (or make sure they know the plan if there is after-school care). Team up with the teacher Work in partnership with the teacher. Experienced teachers have been through this before so are likely to have a few good ideas. If the separation anxiety doesn’t ease after a few days the teacher may be able to give your child a special job to do immediately upon getting to school. This will serve as a transition activity and is something for him to look forward to. Get to school early so the teacher can personally greet your child and take him to the activity. Don’t focus on the separation On the way to school talk about the first thing your child will do once they get in the classroom. It shifts the focus from the separation to the enjoyable activity. This helps them mentally prepare before they are physically at school. They start to visualise the inside of the classroom and can start to get used to the idea of being there. Something like this: “When you go to the reading corner, what book are you going to read first?” or “Which colouring in page will you choose when you get there – the train or the castle?”. Or if you have an arrangement with the teacher (see previous tip) you can talk about this with enthusiasm. Don’t talk about ‘school’ At home in the morning, don’t talk about ‘school’ too much. Talk about ‘reading time’ and ‘drawing’ and 'play time’. Talk about that first activity that he will be doing with the teacher (if you have one planned). The word ‘school’ may currently have a negative, anxiety provoking association for your child so minimise using that work might help if this is the case. Instead talk about the activities they will be doing at school that you know they enjoy. This makes the idea of school more concrete and less abstract. Transitional objects A special note from you kept in their pocket, or matching love hearts drawn on their hand your hand can help your child feel connected to you during time apart. Other issues Sometimes separation anxiety occurs in the context of more generalised anxiety or trauma. Maybe there is a real problem at school that is causing distress. Listen carefully to your child and do a little detective work if you sense there is more to the story. Could it be that they don't know how to ask to go to the toilet? Or they are being bullied? Do they find it hard navigating the school grounds at recess? Listen carefully and get more information from the teacher to help you work out what the underlying problem may be. When to seek professional support Often patience and using the above tips can ease separation anxiety. However, there are times when it is necessary to reach out for additional support. You may need further help if:
Finally Remember, your child isn’t trying to manipulate you in order to stay home. The feelings are real for your child and quite distressing. Although you may not always be able to prevent the separation anxiety, you can always empathise with your child and connect with them with cuddles and snuggles at the end of the day. You wouldn’t be the first parent to cry on your way to work after holding it together at school drop-off. This experience is so very stressful for parents. Look after yourself to help manage your own stress. Sleep (if you're at a a stage of parenting where that's possible!) and eat well and talk to a trusted friend who will listen and support you. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself your own emotional release will help keep you centred and more emotionally available for your child.  It is essential that our young people learn how to manage the intensity of their emotions, and work through their emotions in a healthy and helpful way.
It is not something that that we are inherently born knowing how to do, so it is important that parents and/or caregivers help facilitate a safe space for children to learn emotion regulation. Here are 5 important tips to help you help your children: 1. Be warm, accepting and responsive to your child’s emotional needs
3. Accept, support and show empathy to validate their feelings
4. Be patient
5. Try not to ignore, dismiss, discourage, punish or react negatively to emotions, especially negative emotion
By being in touch with your own emotions and being mindful of how you manage them, you can be a role model for your children and help them feel safe to express their own emotions in a healthy and helpful way. For more parenting support or for support for your child, please contact the clinic to book an appointment. Jessica Cleary. Director & Psychologist  Sometimes it is challenging getting teens the psychological help they need. Here are some tips to help you...
"Your normal may be their magic."
It's all about perspective! This video is sure to pull at your heart strings as you watch vlogger Esther Anderson's moving piece of her day from the perspective of both herself and then her young daughter.
After watching, you can't help but reflect on the way you sum up your own days.
Do you hold on to the magical moments and celebrate them? Or do the frustrations leave a more lasting impression? Let this be today's challenge: Notice and hold on to the magic. Breathe in the giggles and the sillyness, the cuddles and the kisses. Breathe out the tantrums and tears, the defiance and backchat. See if it makes a difference on the way you feel. There's a good chance it will!  In this post, we explore how to help bring your focus back to the positive aspects of your life and how to realistically incorporate self care into your busy routine.
One way is to take regular time each day to appreciate the positive things that are happening. Write them down and reflect on them when you need the reminder. When we think of self-care, too often we think of bubble baths and date nights. While both of those things are enjoyable and relaxing, it does not have to be your visual when it comes to self-care. Saying “no” to additional demands is self-care, as is going for a walk around the block for a quiet walk. Eating a healthy meal, or an act of kindness towards another person can also be a form of self-care. Trying something new or engaging in a hobby can also be self-care. Often, we find ourselves saying that we do not have enough time to do some of these things, and our self-care can be one of the first things to drop when we experience stress. However, it is important to remember that taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, it is helping you be the best version of yourself in order to best care for your children. Having a consistent time in the day scheduled for self-care can increase the chance that it happens and can be for just 3 minutes per day to start with. Being energised and refreshed helps us parents with patience and compassion and helps us model to our children that it is ok to take time for ourselves, ask for help and deal with our stresses in healthy ways. So, when you feel the stress and negativity creeping in, remember that it is ok to stop and ask for help. Giving 100% of yourself does not have to mean working until you fall apart. Having someone to talk things through can help give you some perspective, and often just getting things out of your head can be helpful. It may be helpful for you to consider services like - Parentline (1300 30 1300) - lifeline (13 11 14) - Your GP or even the ear of a friend. If you are in need of further support, please contact the clinic to book an appointment with one of our friendly psychologists.  What is behaviour? Behaviour is the way someone acts or conducts themself, especially toward or around others. When discussing children’s behaviours, we often find ourselves using the terms positive and negative behaviour or appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. Difficult Behaviours and why we act so quickly around them Children may at times display negative or inappropriate behaviour. As parents and adults, our first thought is to react to this behaviour straight away to try to cease it, because it is not considered appropriate in the current situation. The behaviour may be having negative effects on other people or their thoughts about the child or about us! Why do behaviours occur? Behaviour occurs for many reasons. The reasons we behave are called functions. There is often a function of every behaviour we see or do. The function is the Why. A person may be trying to gain someone’s attention, seek control of a situation or express their thoughts or feelings, none if which are wrong. The difficulty some children may encounter is in understanding how to use positive and appropriate behaviours instead. Noticing why behaviour is occurring is extremely important. We need to know why behaviour is happening and what a child wants, so that we can assist them to gain this in an appropriate way. When children have not independently clued onto how to behave in a positive manner, to get what they are after, they may continue to use negative behaviour because this is what they are familiar with… and maybe it has been working for them so far! Proactive and Reactive Methods Reacting to behaviour to try to stop or reduce behaviour after it has occurred is surprisingly called… a reactive strategy. Reactive strategies can include giving verbal feedback to a child or a fair and logical consequence occurring. Teaching a child a skill (like how to gain something in an appropriate way) before the child is in a situation is called using a proactive method. Using a proactive strategy gives a child the appropriate behaviour to use, and gives them the best chance to demonstrate a positive behaviour. They then have a better chance of what they want, which will encourage them to use the desired behaviour again. Do we need a more systematic game plan? If you find that a negative behavour is occurring again and again, and you can’t seem to redirect the behaviour to something more appropriate, these tips may help:
- Do they want someone’s attention? - Do they want to be in the ‘drivers seat’ of the situation? - Are they trying to communicate a thought or a feeling? - Are they trying to release frustration? - Are they trying to regulate themselves or self-soothe? - Are they trying to avoid something?
Knowing how to respond to behaviour, to encourage positive skills, and discourage negative behaviour is a tricky task. Every child is extremely different and will be encouraged and discouraged with varying methods of adult responses. If you have noticed difficult behaviours and would like some assistance to increase your child’s skills and to encourage positive behaviours, please contact us - we are here to help.  Dr Dan Siegel is a neuropsychiatrist and pioneer in understanding the relationships between the developing brain, emotional experiences and attachment.
Dr Siegel's resources and videos on “Connection before Correction” and the “Hand model of the brain” are extremely valuable video resources explaining complex neuroscience terms in easily understandable ways, and in ways that are easily applicable to parents in supporting their children when dysregulated. Why do I love it? I love recommending Dan Siegel’s approach to emotional literacy to all parents who seek help in how to better support their children who experience dysregulation. Dan Siegal’s books and resources help parents gain a better understanding of helpful ways to respond to a dysregulated child. He stresses the importance of empathy and feeling more connected with their child through teaching effective co-regulation skills. What is a key takeaway? Connection before correction may seem like just 3 words, but it encapsulates a whole lot more than just what those 3 words mean. By helping parents understand the importance of increased connection and understanding of their children’s needs/barriers, we can also help them explore and develop their emotional literacy. This then helps create more meaningful and positive relationships between parents and children, and more open communication and emotional expression between children and parents. Why my clients should read it? All parents can benefit from increasing their understanding of their emotional experiences, common triggers of these, and also what can be done to help manage certain emotions. You can purchase "The Whole Brain Child" here: https://www.bookdepository.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Daniel-J-Siegel/9780553386691 Learn more about Dr Dan Siegel's work here: https://drdansiegel.com/  Talking with a highly emotional teenager can be tough! When our emotions are heightened, our ability to access and use the thinking part of our brain can become really difficult, and it can be almost impossible for us to use rational thought.
Here are some tips on how best to communicate with your teen when they are in an emotional state: 1. Remain calm and check in with yourself. There is very little benefit to trying to communicate with your teen when they are in a heightened state, and the same goes for when you are experiencing big emotions.The most helpful thing you can do in this situation is to check in with yourself and try to remain calm as best you can. If your teens can sense your calm, they are more likely to calm themselves and be in a better position to effectively communicate with you. There is a scientific principle called neuroception that helps us understand this - when we are in the presence of a calm person, our brain picks up on those calming signals and our brain understands that we are safe. Being safe leads to feelings of calm. 2. Be present. Although your teen may not want to have a conversation with you, it’s important that they know that you are there for them and available to talk when they are ready. That gesture alone might be enough for them to trust that you are open and willing to hear them out. 3. Take a strengths based, non judgemental approach. Although you might not agree with how your teens behave, or how they should feel in a response to a certain situation, it’s helpful to provide a safe, non judgemental space for them to vent and talk it out. 4. Offer to listen and comfort, rather than “fix” things. Your job is not to fix things, per se, but to coach your children, offer the support they need and encourage them to practice skills of emotion regulation and problem solving, until they find what works for them. The way we problem solve and deal with our emotions, may not be particularly helpful for our teens. It’s important to remember that when we come to the solution for a problem ourselves, often with support from another person, we’re more likely to be able to make sense of the problem solutions and put them into practice - rather than when somebody imposes their solutions on us. 5. Expect rejection and avoid feeling disheartened. Adjust your expectations about how the conversations might go, so that you can avoid feeling disheartened or taking things personally. Your teen might test you a little until they can trust that you genuinely care and want to help them. It may take some time and persistence to reconnect with your teen, don’t be put off. If you’re willing to make the changes to better communicate with them, they will come through. I hope this has given you some helpful tips to be able to alter the way you communicate with your teens to build a stronger connection with them. Contact the clinic if you are in need of parenting support or support for your teen  If you have two or more children OR have a sibling yourself you probably know a thing or two about sibling rivalry. Even though hearing these squabbles can totally push our buttons, we need to stop ourselves from stepping in too quickly as it can rob our kids the opportunity to practice the important skills of problem solving, negotiation and compromise. Learn more in our webinar that takes a deep dive into Sibling Rivalry
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Hopscotch & HarmonyAt Hopscotch & Harmony Psychology, you can expect compassionate care and evidence-based guidance on your journey to wellness.
With clinics in Werribee and Belmont, as well as providing online counselling to clients who live throughout Australia, our dedicated team of psychologists and dietitians are committed to providing support to children, teenagers and adults. With a focus on understanding your unique needs, we offer tailored solutions to foster growth and resilience. Trust in our experience and dedication as we work together towards your well-being. Welcome to a place where healing begins and possibilities abound. |
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Child, Teen and Adult Psychology Our Locations:
WERRIBEE: 1/167-179 Shaws Rd
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