by Jessica Cleary, Psychologist

Alyce Galea, Psychologist

Emotions such as fear, anger, grief and many others can negatively affect us long after the original event that caused them.

When our body fails to “let go” of these emotions we can find ourselves with unexplained hatred, self-sabotaging behaviours, destructive beliefs, phobias and many chronic physical problems. 

Why Do People Bottle Up Their Emotions? 

• They are unable to fight back in an argument situation  
• ​They think that if they show their emotions it is a sign of weakness. 
• They believe it is not normal to be feeling a certain way, so try to conceal their emotions from others. 
• ​They are afraid of what other people might think. 
• They feel that they have to deal with their emotions or problems on their own because "no one else will understand". 
• ​They feel they have to be "the rock" for others. 

What Happens When You Pent Up Your Emotions 

• You can become crabby to be around & start snapping at other people for no reason. 
• ​You get to a stage where you have bottled up your emotions to the point you "explode" - often the victims are loved ones, friends.  
• You start feeling low and numb and don't know how to get out of the situation. 
• ​You can start to feel physically unwell  

 
Ways to release bottled up emotions 

• Write: keeping a diary is a great tool to “vent” and put all your feelings onto paper 
• Music: write a song or simply listen to music that helps calm you

• Talk to someone: open up to a friend, relative, teacher that you trust 
• Get active: find a sport or activity that you can do to release tension. 
• Cry: Don’t be afraid to cry once in a while. It’s a healthy ritual! 

​Book an appointment with one of our friendly psychologists for more support​

Alyce Galea, Psychologist

It is essential that our young people learn how to manage the intensity of their emotions, and work through their emotions in a healthy and helpful way. 
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It is not something that that we are inherently born knowing how to do, so it is important that parents and/or caregivers help facilitate a safe space for children to learn emotion regulation.

Here are 5 important tips to help you help your children:

1. Be warm, accepting and responsive to your child’s emotional needs

• It’s important that you allow space for your child to experience their emotions in a safe, empathetic and non-judgemental space. Being emotionally available for your child is the first step.
  
  

2. Talk about emotions and be a role model

• Talking about your emotional experiences with your child and modeling healthy ways of managing your emotions is vital. Kids won’t often do what you say, but they will likely follow your lead and take cues from how you react to your emotions and stressors. 

3. Accept, support and show empathy to validate their feelings

• Normalise your child's emotional experience to teach them they all emotions are safe and valid, and create an environment in which they feel safe to express those emotions. ​

4. Be patient

• Being patient and calm when your child expresses their emotions helps you remain connected. They will sense if you are becoming distressed or agitated, which will likely lead them to become more heightened. ​​

5. Try not to ignore, dismiss, discourage, punish or react negatively to emotions, especially negative emotion

• Your goal is to teach your child to not suppress their emotions, whilst also not letting them become overwhelmed by their emotions. 

By being in touch with your own emotions and being mindful of how you manage them, you can be a role model for your children and help them feel safe to express their own emotions in a healthy and helpful way.

For more parenting support or for support for your child, please contact the clinic to book an appointment.

Alyce Galea, Psychologist

It is most likely the time that most students dread...Exam time!
Although for some people, stress can motivate them to be more organised and devote more time to study, for others, prolonged stress can be counterproductive and debilitating. For a lot of students, exam time can be a daunting and stressful period, but it doesn’t have to be!

Here are some tips that might help you to manage stress around exam time... 

1. Think about why you are stressed:

• It’s important to spend some time reflecting on where the stress might be coming from. 
• ​Notice the unhelpful thoughts you might be having about your ability to succeed on the exams, or what your exam score really means in the grand scheme of things
• Look for evidence that makes your thoughts and worries true… you might notice that there is actually no evidence at all!
• ​​Once you’ve noticed your unhelpful thoughts, replace them with more positive and motivating thoughts like “All I can do is try my best” or “I’ve studied as much as I can, I’ve got this!”​

 2. Take time to plan:

• Set up a study space with minimal distractions. Make sure that you feel comfortable and that your area is clean and organised. If you can, make sure that your desk is near a window so that you have access to fresh air and sunlight
• Schedule in study around other commitments and ensure there is a balance between study, hobbies and social activities. You’ll be less likely to want to study if you start to resent it!
• Set small tasks and goals you’d like to achieve each day

 
3. Make self care a priority

• Exercise. Make sure that you are getting up and about as often as you can. Don’t neglect your physical health!
• Ensure you are eating regular, healthy meals and snacks
• Avoid sugary or caffeinated drinks
• Maintain good sleep hygiene habits- go to bed at the same time each night, switch off electronics, ensure you have time to wind down at the end of the day
• Schedule in time for hobbies

 
4. Rest

• Avoid studying for prolonged periods of time without a short break
• Try and get up for 5-10 minutes every hour to stretch, eat, have a glass of water
• Practice relaxation, mindfulness and deep breathing to ground yourself and refocus

 
5. Set good boundaries

• Switch off your phone when you are studying
• Let your friends know when you are studying, and ask that they avoid contacting you during those times
• Speak to your family about what support you need from them in the lead up to exams

Above all, remember that this period of stress is only temporary! If you continue to feel stress or anxious after the exams, it might be helpful to speak to someone (a teacher, family member, friend, psychologist) about what you can do to manage these feelings next exam period.

Book an appointment with one of our psychologists for more support with school issues and exam stress

Jessica Cleary. Director & Psychologist

Sometimes it is challenging getting teens the psychological help they need.

Here are some tips to help you...

• Frame it differently
  • Unfortunately there can be a stigma about seeing a mental health practitioner. The truth is we work with many individuals who don’t have an official diagnosis but just want to improve their lives. Reframe it in a way that likens a psychologist to a coach who helps an athlete perform their best. 

• Focus on the teen’s priorities
  • A teen who is depressed may not see that they can feel better. Their condition may make it difficult for them to think clearly about what they might need. They may not even acknowledge that they need help. 
  • To get buy-in, focus on the teen’s priorities.  Try asking, “What kind of things would you like to improve?” (such as making friends or feeling less worried). Use this information to outline how the things the teen is looking for can be achieved by working with someone who really understands how to help with these issues. 

• Find the right Psychologist
  • It’s really important to find a psychologist who is a good match for your teen’s personality. It needs to be someone they like and respect or it isn’t a good fit. At Hopscotch and Harmony we invite all parents to attend by themselves to meet the psychologist and ask questions. During this meeting, the psychologist can also provide suggestions on what you can do at home to help support your teen. 
  • If your teen has had a negative experience already, ask "what wasn’t helpful?" or "what didn’t you like about therapy?". Ask "what did you like?". You can then work together to find someone who has more of the positive qualities.
  • Recommend a few psychologists and show the teen the psychologists’ website and photos. Encourage the teen to read the information about each psychologist and have the teen decide who it is they prefer to see. Having ownership of the process is extremely important for the teen to engage in effective therapy.  

• Don’t give up
  • If you are disheartened because your teen refuses to see a psychologist, gently continue to bring up the conversation. Listen to your teen without judgement and try and understand their feelings behind their resistance. If your connection with your teen is nurtured and strengthened then your teen is more likely to come to you when they are ready for help.

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Abby Elder. Provisional Psychologist

“It can’t be that bad!” My doctor exclaimed while studying my face with a look of pity. 

I had entered his consulting room in a hobbled posture trying to describe my situation in a wobbly voice.  For the last week the pelvic pain I had become accustomed to feeling since I was thirteen years old had become extreme, leaving me bedridden for four days.

I did not know it but I was experiencing a flare up of pain symptoms related to endometriosis.  I am now struck that I cannot recall the exact sensation of physical feeling of pain or its severity.  What I can remember is the emotional impact of the symptoms of chronic pain. 

You might be reading this because your child has been diagnosed with endometriosis. Or perhaps a young person you know is experiencing chronic pain but not yet diagnosed with a disorder.

Either way the impacts of chronic pain, especially pain related to endometriosis, can have significant negative impacts on a young person’s mental health, as well as members of their family.

​This blog post cannot provide medical advice, but will provide strategies to support a young person who is experiencing chronic pain to get the help they need. 

Keep reading for strategies to better understand  pain, communicate with family members about chronic pain, and why it is important for your child to  be their own pain spokesperson. 

Endometriosis - a chronic pain disorder 
Endometriosis is a medical condition that affects roughly 1 in 9 Australian females. It is considered chronic because there is no cure and those diagnosed with endometriosis can experience symptoms their entire lives. 

Medical research is still defining endometriosis, from its cause, effective diagnosis, and the incredible range of symptoms and severity, as well as  how to best treat those symptoms. This uncertainty can leave young people and their families grasping for solutions, like they are trying to solve a complex puzzle with no guiding picture. 

Endometriosis tip sheet written by Endometriosis Australia

Chronic pain and youth mental health 

Chronic pain can impact all people at any age. Pain Australia estimates that one in four young Australians experience a form of chronic pain.  Children and adolescents can be experienced through endometriosis as well as migraines, sports injuries and symptoms of chronic diseases such as juvenile arthritis.

An important difference about chronic pain is that it is a lifelong condition that ebbs and flows. This is different from acute pain such as breaking an arm. While an acute pain is distressing, it  will usually come with an expiration date of disruption to one’s life. 

Because chronic pain can be expected to be felt in some way across a person’s life, an individual can develop feelings of hopelessness and helplessness related to their pain. 

Disruptions in a young person’s life can mean missing large amounts of school, difficulty socializing with friends, and loss of enjoyment during activities and events. Pain Australia estimates young people experience disruptions in their physical activity at a higher rate than adults. 

Young people are still defining their identities, what they are good at and what they want to pursue with passion. The emergence of chronic pain can impact this development. Parents and caregivers who are supporting young people living with chronic pain must consider not just the physical sensations, but the emotional toll of isolation and disappointment.  

You can help a young person who is experiencing chronic pain by defining pain. Pain is a common reality in our society but the reasons a person feels pain are not well understood. By helping young people to understand the biological and psychological components of pain you can empower them to seek the support they need to better enjoy their lives.   

• Show a young person this five minute video that explains the neurobiology of pain

 

• Print this tip sheet Pain is always real which challenges assumptions about pain that may prolong a person’s suffering. This tip sheet was developed by Pain Revolution an Australian not for profit organization that wishes to change the way we care for people in pain

 

• Connect your child with peers who have similar experiences. For endometriosis support groups start by visiting Endometriosis Australia

Supporting the family unit 

For families supporting a young person experiencing chronic pain, the start of symptoms can be a time of disruption. A previously active child might suddenly be limited in their capacity to complete previously enjoyable activities. 

Other members of the family might be affected, with parents and caregivers needing to miss work, and siblings missing out on fun activities. An acknowledgement that everyone is impacted can be a start for families to find a new way to support each other. 

You might consider making a specific time to come together as a family and put the disruptions into words. It might be helpful to also focus on what each family member needs to feel supported to brainstorm actions to take. 

After this initial family discussion consider asking your child who is experiencing chronic pain what level of information they would like to share ongoing with siblings and others. There are times when chronic pain can affect most parts of a young person’s life. If family members are not kept informed in an appropriate way, they might feel excluded and miss out on ways they can support their loved one. 

Share this  tip sheet for siblings of children with chronic pain here developed by The Pain Management Network

Are you faking all this?

People who live with chronic pain become skilled at masking and getting on with it. This should be worthy of praise, but can also invite criticism from well meaning (or maybe not!) friends, family, and medical professionals. Especially when a person finds themselves unable to hide the pain symptoms. 

“It can’t be that bad,” My doctor had said in frowning exasperation. 

I did not have the communication skills at that time to challenge my doctor, or to explain my needs. Instead I turned inward to try to solve my complex pain puzzle. 

I remember thinking, “Maybe it isn’t that bad?” 

The Pain Management Network  encourages parents to make children the spokesperson of their pain when possible. Maybe a young person verbally describes their symptoms at medical appointments, or parents and children brainstorm which pain management strategies work best for the child. 

• Consider filling out the My Health document made available by the Pain Management  Network on their website with the young person affected by chronic pain
• Choose a time when they are likely to feel their best. Having a document that they can refer to when they are feeling unwell will help them feel confident and remind them of what they need. 

Making the young person their own pain spokesperson will help them develop assertive communication skills for describing their pain with the knowledge their parents can back them up when needed. This may increase a child’s sense of autonomy, and decrease feelings of helplessness associated with chronic pain. 

It can also stop those nagging feelings they might have when a medical professional might appear dismissive. A firm reminder to themselves that they are not making it up, that their physical needs are worthy of being communicated. 

If you are after support for managing Endometriosis or chronic pain, please contact the clinic.

Alyce Galea. Psychologist

Talking with a highly emotional teenager can be tough! When our emotions are heightened, our ability to access and use the thinking part of our brain can become really difficult, and it can be almost impossible for us to use rational thought. 

Here are some tips on how best to communicate with your teen when they are in an emotional state:

1. Remain calm and check in with yourself. 
There is very little benefit to trying to communicate with your teen when they are in a heightened state, and the same goes for when you are experiencing big emotions.The most helpful thing you can do in this situation is to check in with yourself and try to remain calm as best you can.

If your teens can sense your calm, they are more likely to calm themselves and be in a better position to effectively communicate with you. There is a scientific principle called neuroception that helps us understand this - when we are in the presence of a calm person, our brain picks up on those calming signals and our brain understands that we are safe. Being safe leads to feelings of calm.

2. Be present.
Although your teen may not want to have a conversation with you, it’s important that they know that you are there for them and available to talk when they are ready. That gesture alone might be enough for them to trust that you are open and willing to hear them out.
 
3. Take a strengths based, non judgemental approach.
Although you might not agree with how your teens behave, or how they should feel in a response to a certain situation, it’s helpful to provide a safe, non judgemental space for them to vent and talk it out. 

4. Offer to listen and comfort, rather than “fix” things.
Your job is not to fix things, per se, but to coach your children, offer the support they need and encourage them to practice skills of emotion regulation and problem solving, until they find what works for them. The way we problem solve and deal with our emotions, may not be particularly helpful for our teens.

It’s important to remember that when we come to the solution for a problem ourselves, often with support from another person, we’re more likely to be able to make sense of the problem solutions and put them into practice - rather than when somebody imposes their solutions on us.

5. Expect rejection and avoid feeling disheartened. 
​Adjust your expectations about how the conversations might go, so that you can avoid feeling disheartened or taking things personally. Your teen might test you a little until they can trust that you genuinely care and want to help them. It may take some time and persistence to reconnect with your teen, don’t be put off. If you’re willing to make the changes to better communicate with them, they will come through. 
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I hope this has given you some helpful tips to be able to alter the way you communicate with your teens to build a stronger connection with them. 

Contact the clinic if you are in need of parenting support or support for your teen

Alyce Galea, Psychologist

Early on in therapy, teenagers often find it hard to identify the stressors or triggers that might be contributing to their difficulties.

One way that you can start to identify your current stressors is by doing the stress bucket activity.

I often like to conceptualise our wellbeing as a bucket. 

• We all have a level of stress that we can tolerate healthily, and this is determined through our genetics, our general attitude towards life and how stress management has been modelled to us by our caregivers. 
• The everyday stressors in our life can be considered as glasses of water pouring into our bucket. Over time, the water level in our bucket will increase. 
• In order to avoid the water from overflowing, we need to find ways to poke holes into our bucket...this can be achieved by identifying and implementing problem solving, coping strategies and regular self care.

Stressors can be categorised into three domains:

1. Interpersonal (difficulties or stress that you experience in your relationships with other people such as a parent, teacher or boss)

 

1. Intrapersonal (difficulties or stress that is a result of thoughts or feelings within you, as well as any physical health issues)

 

1. Environmental (difficulties or stress that is a result of your external world, including the school or work environment, the temperature in your classroom, the lighting, and things happening in the wider world such as natural disasters)

Once we have determined what our current stressors are, it is important to identify those stressors that you have some control over, and those that you have absolutely no control over. That way, we can then focus on problem solving ways of relieving the stress of situations that you may be able to change, even slightly.​

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Two ways we can learn to relieve stress are:

1. Problem focused coping strategies: these refer to strategies that help change the source of the stress. 

• Can you change something about the situation? 
• If you had more skills or resources, would you feel less stressed about this situation?

For example: Can you speak to a teacher to clarify a question on an assignment? Can you drop a few shifts at work?

1. Emotion focused coping strategies: these refer to strategies that help alleviate the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the stress

For example: Regularly practicing relaxation or deep breathing, exercise, starting a journal, listening to music.

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​Alyce Galea is a psychologist at Hopscotch & Harmony who works with adolescents and young adults across a wide range of settings, including schools and community mental health services (Headspace). She is particularly interested in supporting young people experiencing mood and anxiety disorders, low self-esteem and interpersonal difficulties; and has a particular interest in working with young women exhibiting traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. ​

Hilary Sanders, Psychologist

Life as a teenager can be tough. We all remember what that was like, right? Your hormones are racing, your body is changing, you're juggling competing and increasing demands at school and at home, perhaps also sport and work commitments. You want to be unique, yet at the same time fit in. Impress your friends, your parents, your teachers — There's a lot going on!

Now, imagine on top of this, you are also questioning your sexual orientation. You have noticed you're not attracted to the opposite sex in the same way as your peers. However, attraction to the opposite sex (heterosexuality) is the most commonly expressed sexual orientation in society, so what does that mean for you?

Sexual orientation (or sexual identity) refers to the enduring or evolving pattern of one's sexual, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to a particular sex. Commonly used terms to describe one's sexual orientation include, amongst others, heterosexual/straight, homosexual (gay, lesbian), bisexual, queer, asexual, and pansexual. The acronym LGBTIQA+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Asexual, and others) incorporates sexual orientation, gender identity and intersexuality, and is often used to refer to sexual identities that differ from heterosexual. It is important to note that these "labels" do not rigidly or personally apply to everyone, and some would prefer to not use labels at all. Sexual orientation is diverse, and unique to the individual.

Living in a heteronormative society can accentuate a sense of difference when you do not identify as heterosexual. Feeling "different" is especially challenging during adolescence because this developmental stage prioritises social belonging and acceptance. The threat of judgment, ridicule, or rejection from others can be overwhelming for young people during this time, and can influence how they express their sexuality, if at all. Research has also found that non-heterosexual young people are more likely to experience mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression, compared to other young people (see this link for more information).

We want to ensure our young people feel supported as they learn about themselves and their emerging sexual identities. How we approach sexuality can have a lasting impact on their relationship with us, and their emotional wellbeing, so it makes sense to reflect and think about it.

It’s never too soon, or too late, to begin the conversation!

If you've been asking yourself "What should I say? What if I say the wrong thing? How do I approach my teen, if at all?", the following tips may help.

1. Create an environment in which your teen feels loved, safe, and respected. Without this stable foundation, they may not feel comfortable opening up to you, or they may doubt your capacity to be emotionally supportive.
2. Seek opportunities to discuss sexual orientation. For example, if something relevant arises in conversation or in the media (such as the same-sex marriage debate) talk about it. Ask about your teen's views one-on-one, or facilitate a respectful discussion as a family. Treat this as an opportunity to model and explore values of equality, openness, and appreciation of diversity. Make your stance clear: everyone has a right to experience love, and homophobic attitudes are not acceptable.
3. It is not always about what is said, but what is NOT being said. Avoiding a conversation about sexuality or changing the subject when it arises, even for good intentions (i.e. you assume they don’t want to talk about it), can inadvertently send the message that it is "taboo", which can feed a sense of shame. Further, one conversation about sexuality is not enough; it is an ongoing, evolving conversation. Remain open and approachable.
4. Do your research, but learn from your teen. Thanks to the Internet, there is endless information available if you wish to expand your knowledge, however at the end of the day, the only expert on your teen's experience is… them! Be gently inquisitive, and seek to learn from your teen by listening, asking questions, and clarifying your understanding.
5. Express gratitude for openness. A fear of rejection or negative judgment can motivate kids to keep quiet about their sexuality. The sheer fact they have opened up to you is a good sign they feel emotionally safe and trust you. Affirm this! (for example, "Thank you for sharing this with me. It means so much that you trust me. I am always here to listen").
6. Respect your teen’s privacy. Seek their permission before you choose to share information about their sexuality with others. Establish boundaries together (what they feel comfortable sharing, and who with, etc).
7. Don't expect to get it "right" every time! Talking about sexuality with your teen might feel awkward or confronting, or might conflict with your beliefs. You might fumble. You might say or ask something that they disagree with — It’s OK! As long as you come from a place of love, respect, and non-judgment, the rest will work itself out.
8. All this talk about sexuality… Don’t forget the other stuff! Sexuality is only one part of a person. Your teen has so many other aspects that make up who they are. Embrace their strengths, interests, passions, as well as their fears and insecurities… celebrate everything that makes them who they are, and express your love and pride.
9. Do they need extra support? Support from loved ones is essential for your teen’s mental and emotional health. Encourage help-seeking behaviour by ensuring they have others they trust and can confide in (friends, family, a teacher, etc). Online services and apps are aplenty, and appeal to their age group (for example, Headspace.org.au or ReachOut.com). If you have concerns for their wellbeing and coping, seek the guidance of a mental health professional, such as a doctor, psychologist, or school counsellor.
10. Ensure you have support too! Parents often get so caught up focusing on their kids' needs they forget to prioritise their own, but we need to ensure we are emotionally healthy too! For tailored support, speak to a mental health professional as suggested above, or check out the services and online information provided below. 

Helpful services and links:

- Q Life: QLife is Australia’s first nationally-oriented counselling and referral service for LGBTIQA+ people, offering peer supported telephone and web based services between 3:00pm and midnight every day of the week, all around the country. You can call them (between 3pm and midnight) on 1800 184 527 or chat online: https://qlife.org.au/

- BeyondBlue 'Families Like Mine' resource: 'Families like mine' is a multimedia guide that offers practical advice to families of young gender diverse people, same-sex attracted and bisexual people, and those who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/lesbian-gay-bi-trans-and-intersex-lgbti-people/families-like-mine

- Kids Helpline: Kids Helpline is a free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25. Kids can call on 1800 55 1800. Their website also has information for parents: https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/
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Hilary Sanders is a psychologist at Hopscotch and Harmony Werribee and Belmont who is passionate about supporting people of all ages, however has a particular interest in working with adolescents and adults. Hilary values diversity, and encourages individuals to celebrate their uniqueness- she believes human difference is what makes life interesting! An LGBTIQA+ advocate, Hilary acknowledges the complex nature of sexuality, and is driven to support individuals experiencing challenges arising from sexual diversity

Graphic from Juvenoia: Kids These Days

For people born last century, it can seem ludicrous that a young person with a camera can become a famous millionaire just by making silly or mundane videos of themselves and posting them online. It can also be confronting to feel disconnected from a younger generation that enjoys these performers and their content, on a new medium that transcends television or radio.

Consciously or not, most parents expect, or at least hope, that their children will share their worldview, opinions, and values. For that reason, it can seem like a natural, knee-jerk reaction to ignore, dismiss, or remove something that a child values but a parent doesn’t. So, if your child expresses an interest in something that you dislike or find pointless, fight that urge.

Popular YouTubers are peer leaders and role models in the world of social media. Research has consistently shown that children from the age of 8 derive more pleasure from peer relationships than family relationships, and are more easily influenced by friends than by authority figures. This is an important stage of a child's development, as the capacity to develop social bonds outside their family predicts higher rates of overall general functioning and social successes.

However, this may mean your child is more likely to admire and listen to the advice of YouTubers than anything offered by their parents or other adults. That can be confronting, but isn't always a bad thing. YouTubers are often creative, productive, and pro-social leaders of change and awareness campaigns.  Many are relatable and worthy role-models who are candid with their fans and offer valuable advice on their experience with difficult topics such as mental health and chronic illness.

For example, the Draw My Life trend has been cathartic for many people, giving young people an accessible way to understand the lives, struggles, and strength of many others around the world. Other trends are just plain fun!

Creating online media content is also a real job, a passion and a legitimate career in a booming industry that could and should be an option for any child today.

But there's still bad content on YouTube that my children are exposed to! What now?​