Alyce Galea, Psychologist

Early on in therapy, teenagers often find it hard to identify the stressors or triggers that might be contributing to their difficulties.

One way that you can start to identify your current stressors is by doing the stress bucket activity.

I often like to conceptualise our wellbeing as a bucket. 

• We all have a level of stress that we can tolerate healthily, and this is determined through our genetics, our general attitude towards life and how stress management has been modelled to us by our caregivers. 
• The everyday stressors in our life can be considered as glasses of water pouring into our bucket. Over time, the water level in our bucket will increase. 
• In order to avoid the water from overflowing, we need to find ways to poke holes into our bucket...this can be achieved by identifying and implementing problem solving, coping strategies and regular self care.

Stressors can be categorised into three domains:

1. Interpersonal (difficulties or stress that you experience in your relationships with other people such as a parent, teacher or boss)

 

1. Intrapersonal (difficulties or stress that is a result of thoughts or feelings within you, as well as any physical health issues)

 

1. Environmental (difficulties or stress that is a result of your external world, including the school or work environment, the temperature in your classroom, the lighting, and things happening in the wider world such as natural disasters)

Once we have determined what our current stressors are, it is important to identify those stressors that you have some control over, and those that you have absolutely no control over. That way, we can then focus on problem solving ways of relieving the stress of situations that you may be able to change, even slightly.​

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Two ways we can learn to relieve stress are:

1. Problem focused coping strategies: these refer to strategies that help change the source of the stress. 

• Can you change something about the situation? 
• If you had more skills or resources, would you feel less stressed about this situation?

For example: Can you speak to a teacher to clarify a question on an assignment? Can you drop a few shifts at work?

1. Emotion focused coping strategies: these refer to strategies that help alleviate the negative thoughts and feelings associated with the stress

For example: Regularly practicing relaxation or deep breathing, exercise, starting a journal, listening to music.

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​Alyce Galea is a psychologist at Hopscotch & Harmony who works with adolescents and young adults across a wide range of settings, including schools and community mental health services (Headspace). She is particularly interested in supporting young people experiencing mood and anxiety disorders, low self-esteem and interpersonal difficulties; and has a particular interest in working with young women exhibiting traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. ​

Hilary Sanders, Psychologist

Life as a teenager can be tough. We all remember what that was like, right? Your hormones are racing, your body is changing, you're juggling competing and increasing demands at school and at home, perhaps also sport and work commitments. You want to be unique, yet at the same time fit in. Impress your friends, your parents, your teachers — There's a lot going on!

Now, imagine on top of this, you are also questioning your sexual orientation. You have noticed you're not attracted to the opposite sex in the same way as your peers. However, attraction to the opposite sex (heterosexuality) is the most commonly expressed sexual orientation in society, so what does that mean for you?

Sexual orientation (or sexual identity) refers to the enduring or evolving pattern of one's sexual, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to a particular sex. Commonly used terms to describe one's sexual orientation include, amongst others, heterosexual/straight, homosexual (gay, lesbian), bisexual, queer, asexual, and pansexual. The acronym LGBTIQA+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Asexual, and others) incorporates sexual orientation, gender identity and intersexuality, and is often used to refer to sexual identities that differ from heterosexual. It is important to note that these "labels" do not rigidly or personally apply to everyone, and some would prefer to not use labels at all. Sexual orientation is diverse, and unique to the individual.

Living in a heteronormative society can accentuate a sense of difference when you do not identify as heterosexual. Feeling "different" is especially challenging during adolescence because this developmental stage prioritises social belonging and acceptance. The threat of judgment, ridicule, or rejection from others can be overwhelming for young people during this time, and can influence how they express their sexuality, if at all. Research has also found that non-heterosexual young people are more likely to experience mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression, compared to other young people (see this link for more information).

We want to ensure our young people feel supported as they learn about themselves and their emerging sexual identities. How we approach sexuality can have a lasting impact on their relationship with us, and their emotional wellbeing, so it makes sense to reflect and think about it.

It’s never too soon, or too late, to begin the conversation!

If you've been asking yourself "What should I say? What if I say the wrong thing? How do I approach my teen, if at all?", the following tips may help.

1. Create an environment in which your teen feels loved, safe, and respected. Without this stable foundation, they may not feel comfortable opening up to you, or they may doubt your capacity to be emotionally supportive.
2. Seek opportunities to discuss sexual orientation. For example, if something relevant arises in conversation or in the media (such as the same-sex marriage debate) talk about it. Ask about your teen's views one-on-one, or facilitate a respectful discussion as a family. Treat this as an opportunity to model and explore values of equality, openness, and appreciation of diversity. Make your stance clear: everyone has a right to experience love, and homophobic attitudes are not acceptable.
3. It is not always about what is said, but what is NOT being said. Avoiding a conversation about sexuality or changing the subject when it arises, even for good intentions (i.e. you assume they don’t want to talk about it), can inadvertently send the message that it is "taboo", which can feed a sense of shame. Further, one conversation about sexuality is not enough; it is an ongoing, evolving conversation. Remain open and approachable.
4. Do your research, but learn from your teen. Thanks to the Internet, there is endless information available if you wish to expand your knowledge, however at the end of the day, the only expert on your teen's experience is… them! Be gently inquisitive, and seek to learn from your teen by listening, asking questions, and clarifying your understanding.
5. Express gratitude for openness. A fear of rejection or negative judgment can motivate kids to keep quiet about their sexuality. The sheer fact they have opened up to you is a good sign they feel emotionally safe and trust you. Affirm this! (for example, "Thank you for sharing this with me. It means so much that you trust me. I am always here to listen").
6. Respect your teen’s privacy. Seek their permission before you choose to share information about their sexuality with others. Establish boundaries together (what they feel comfortable sharing, and who with, etc).
7. Don't expect to get it "right" every time! Talking about sexuality with your teen might feel awkward or confronting, or might conflict with your beliefs. You might fumble. You might say or ask something that they disagree with — It’s OK! As long as you come from a place of love, respect, and non-judgment, the rest will work itself out.
8. All this talk about sexuality… Don’t forget the other stuff! Sexuality is only one part of a person. Your teen has so many other aspects that make up who they are. Embrace their strengths, interests, passions, as well as their fears and insecurities… celebrate everything that makes them who they are, and express your love and pride.
9. Do they need extra support? Support from loved ones is essential for your teen’s mental and emotional health. Encourage help-seeking behaviour by ensuring they have others they trust and can confide in (friends, family, a teacher, etc). Online services and apps are aplenty, and appeal to their age group (for example, Headspace.org.au or ReachOut.com). If you have concerns for their wellbeing and coping, seek the guidance of a mental health professional, such as a doctor, psychologist, or school counsellor.
10. Ensure you have support too! Parents often get so caught up focusing on their kids' needs they forget to prioritise their own, but we need to ensure we are emotionally healthy too! For tailored support, speak to a mental health professional as suggested above, or check out the services and online information provided below. 

Helpful services and links:

- Q Life: QLife is Australia’s first nationally-oriented counselling and referral service for LGBTIQA+ people, offering peer supported telephone and web based services between 3:00pm and midnight every day of the week, all around the country. You can call them (between 3pm and midnight) on 1800 184 527 or chat online: https://qlife.org.au/

- BeyondBlue 'Families Like Mine' resource: 'Families like mine' is a multimedia guide that offers practical advice to families of young gender diverse people, same-sex attracted and bisexual people, and those who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/lesbian-gay-bi-trans-and-intersex-lgbti-people/families-like-mine

- Kids Helpline: Kids Helpline is a free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25. Kids can call on 1800 55 1800. Their website also has information for parents: https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/
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Hilary Sanders is a psychologist at Hopscotch and Harmony Werribee and Belmont who is passionate about supporting people of all ages, however has a particular interest in working with adolescents and adults. Hilary values diversity, and encourages individuals to celebrate their uniqueness- she believes human difference is what makes life interesting! An LGBTIQA+ advocate, Hilary acknowledges the complex nature of sexuality, and is driven to support individuals experiencing challenges arising from sexual diversity

Graphic from Juvenoia: Kids These Days

For people born last century, it can seem ludicrous that a young person with a camera can become a famous millionaire just by making silly or mundane videos of themselves and posting them online. It can also be confronting to feel disconnected from a younger generation that enjoys these performers and their content, on a new medium that transcends television or radio.

Consciously or not, most parents expect, or at least hope, that their children will share their worldview, opinions, and values. For that reason, it can seem like a natural, knee-jerk reaction to ignore, dismiss, or remove something that a child values but a parent doesn’t. So, if your child expresses an interest in something that you dislike or find pointless, fight that urge.

Popular YouTubers are peer leaders and role models in the world of social media. Research has consistently shown that children from the age of 8 derive more pleasure from peer relationships than family relationships, and are more easily influenced by friends than by authority figures. This is an important stage of a child's development, as the capacity to develop social bonds outside their family predicts higher rates of overall general functioning and social successes.

However, this may mean your child is more likely to admire and listen to the advice of YouTubers than anything offered by their parents or other adults. That can be confronting, but isn't always a bad thing. YouTubers are often creative, productive, and pro-social leaders of change and awareness campaigns.  Many are relatable and worthy role-models who are candid with their fans and offer valuable advice on their experience with difficult topics such as mental health and chronic illness.

For example, the Draw My Life trend has been cathartic for many people, giving young people an accessible way to understand the lives, struggles, and strength of many others around the world. Other trends are just plain fun!

Creating online media content is also a real job, a passion and a legitimate career in a booming industry that could and should be an option for any child today.

But there's still bad content on YouTube that my children are exposed to! What now?​

Shivaun Pereira, Educational and Developmental Psychologist