Children can sometimes become tangled in their thoughts and feelings. They might think, “I’m bad at this,” or “Everyone is mad at me,” and believe those thoughts to be facts. Cognitive defusion is a psychological strategy that helps children create space between themselves and their thoughts, so they can respond rather than react.

At its core, cognitive defusion teaches that thoughts are not truths, but passing experiences in the mind. When children learn to notice thoughts without getting swept up in them, they can approach challenges with more calm, confidence, and flexibility.

Why Cognitive Defusion Matters for Children

For children who experience big emotions, anxiety, or self-doubt, cognitive defusion can be a powerful skill. It helps them:

• Notice thoughts and feelings without judgment.
• Recognise that not every thought needs to be believed or acted upon.
• Stay connected to the present moment instead of getting caught in worries or self-criticism.

This shift allows children to develop resilience and a balanced perspective, improving how they handle difficult moments at home, school, or with peers.

Simple Ways to Practise Cognitive Defusion with Children

1. Mindfulness practice
Invite your child to notice their thoughts and feelings without trying to change them. For example, they might close their eyes and describe what’s happening inside their mind as if they were a curious observer.

2. Helpful self-talk
Encourage your child to catch unhelpful thoughts like “I can’t do this” and reframe them. You could teach them to say, “I’m having the thought that I can’t do this,” which creates distance between them and the thought.

3. Visualisation
Ask your child to imagine their thoughts as clouds drifting across the sky or leaves floating down a stream. This helps them see that thoughts come and go, and they don’t need to hold on to them.

4. Role-play
Through play or simple scenarios, practise responding to common challenges, like making a mistake or feeling left out. This helps children experience that uncomfortable thoughts and feelings can be managed, not avoided.

The Bigger Picture

Cognitive defusion is not about ignoring or suppressing emotions. It’s about helping children understand that feelings are valid but temporary, and that they have the power to choose how to respond.

Working with a psychologist trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you and your child learn these techniques in ways that are age-appropriate and meaningful.
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By teaching cognitive defusion, you’re giving your child lifelong tools for self-awareness and emotional regulation, skills that support mental health, learning, and relationships well into adulthood.

Kara Vermaak. Psychologist

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an evidence based approach that is very commonly used at our practice. 
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The core principles of ACT are:

• Becoming more aware of the time, energy and effort spent on avoiding discomfort and difficult thoughts and feelings
• Understanding that thoughts are just thoughts. We can choose how to interact with our thoughts so that they do not have power over us
• Learning to be more open and willing to accept that these thoughts, feelings, memories or urges are appropriate responses to certain situations. 
• Learning not to let difficult thoughts or feelings prevent you from doing the things you want to be doing in life and being the person you want to be. 
  
  

The use of metaphors is an integral part of ACT. 
The “Passengers on the Bus” metaphor, and it’s variations, is a popular and effective way to gain new perspective on the impacts of “giving in” to your unhelpful thoughts and discomfort. 

This video is a play on the metaphor and describes your life journey as a plane ride.