Hilary Sanders, Psychologist

Life as a teenager can be tough. We all remember what that was like, right? Your hormones are racing, your body is changing, you're juggling competing and increasing demands at school and at home, perhaps also sport and work commitments. You want to be unique, yet at the same time fit in. Impress your friends, your parents, your teachers — There's a lot going on!

Now, imagine on top of this, you are also questioning your sexual orientation. You have noticed you're not attracted to the opposite sex in the same way as your peers. However, attraction to the opposite sex (heterosexuality) is the most commonly expressed sexual orientation in society, so what does that mean for you?

Sexual orientation (or sexual identity) refers to the enduring or evolving pattern of one's sexual, romantic, and/or emotional attraction to a particular sex. Commonly used terms to describe one's sexual orientation include, amongst others, heterosexual/straight, homosexual (gay, lesbian), bisexual, queer, asexual, and pansexual. The acronym LGBTIQA+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Asexual, and others) incorporates sexual orientation, gender identity and intersexuality, and is often used to refer to sexual identities that differ from heterosexual. It is important to note that these "labels" do not rigidly or personally apply to everyone, and some would prefer to not use labels at all. Sexual orientation is diverse, and unique to the individual.

Living in a heteronormative society can accentuate a sense of difference when you do not identify as heterosexual. Feeling "different" is especially challenging during adolescence because this developmental stage prioritises social belonging and acceptance. The threat of judgment, ridicule, or rejection from others can be overwhelming for young people during this time, and can influence how they express their sexuality, if at all. Research has also found that non-heterosexual young people are more likely to experience mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression, compared to other young people (see this link for more information).

We want to ensure our young people feel supported as they learn about themselves and their emerging sexual identities. How we approach sexuality can have a lasting impact on their relationship with us, and their emotional wellbeing, so it makes sense to reflect and think about it.

It’s never too soon, or too late, to begin the conversation!

If you've been asking yourself "What should I say? What if I say the wrong thing? How do I approach my teen, if at all?", the following tips may help.

1. Create an environment in which your teen feels loved, safe, and respected. Without this stable foundation, they may not feel comfortable opening up to you, or they may doubt your capacity to be emotionally supportive.
2. Seek opportunities to discuss sexual orientation. For example, if something relevant arises in conversation or in the media (such as the same-sex marriage debate) talk about it. Ask about your teen's views one-on-one, or facilitate a respectful discussion as a family. Treat this as an opportunity to model and explore values of equality, openness, and appreciation of diversity. Make your stance clear: everyone has a right to experience love, and homophobic attitudes are not acceptable.
3. It is not always about what is said, but what is NOT being said. Avoiding a conversation about sexuality or changing the subject when it arises, even for good intentions (i.e. you assume they don’t want to talk about it), can inadvertently send the message that it is "taboo", which can feed a sense of shame. Further, one conversation about sexuality is not enough; it is an ongoing, evolving conversation. Remain open and approachable.
4. Do your research, but learn from your teen. Thanks to the Internet, there is endless information available if you wish to expand your knowledge, however at the end of the day, the only expert on your teen's experience is… them! Be gently inquisitive, and seek to learn from your teen by listening, asking questions, and clarifying your understanding.
5. Express gratitude for openness. A fear of rejection or negative judgment can motivate kids to keep quiet about their sexuality. The sheer fact they have opened up to you is a good sign they feel emotionally safe and trust you. Affirm this! (for example, "Thank you for sharing this with me. It means so much that you trust me. I am always here to listen").
6. Respect your teen’s privacy. Seek their permission before you choose to share information about their sexuality with others. Establish boundaries together (what they feel comfortable sharing, and who with, etc).
7. Don't expect to get it "right" every time! Talking about sexuality with your teen might feel awkward or confronting, or might conflict with your beliefs. You might fumble. You might say or ask something that they disagree with — It’s OK! As long as you come from a place of love, respect, and non-judgment, the rest will work itself out.
8. All this talk about sexuality… Don’t forget the other stuff! Sexuality is only one part of a person. Your teen has so many other aspects that make up who they are. Embrace their strengths, interests, passions, as well as their fears and insecurities… celebrate everything that makes them who they are, and express your love and pride.
9. Do they need extra support? Support from loved ones is essential for your teen’s mental and emotional health. Encourage help-seeking behaviour by ensuring they have others they trust and can confide in (friends, family, a teacher, etc). Online services and apps are aplenty, and appeal to their age group (for example, Headspace.org.au or ReachOut.com). If you have concerns for their wellbeing and coping, seek the guidance of a mental health professional, such as a doctor, psychologist, or school counsellor.
10. Ensure you have support too! Parents often get so caught up focusing on their kids' needs they forget to prioritise their own, but we need to ensure we are emotionally healthy too! For tailored support, speak to a mental health professional as suggested above, or check out the services and online information provided below. 

Helpful services and links:

- Q Life: QLife is Australia’s first nationally-oriented counselling and referral service for LGBTIQA+ people, offering peer supported telephone and web based services between 3:00pm and midnight every day of the week, all around the country. You can call them (between 3pm and midnight) on 1800 184 527 or chat online: https://qlife.org.au/

- BeyondBlue 'Families Like Mine' resource: 'Families like mine' is a multimedia guide that offers practical advice to families of young gender diverse people, same-sex attracted and bisexual people, and those who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/lesbian-gay-bi-trans-and-intersex-lgbti-people/families-like-mine

- Kids Helpline: Kids Helpline is a free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25. Kids can call on 1800 55 1800. Their website also has information for parents: https://kidshelpline.com.au/parents/
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Hilary Sanders is a psychologist at Hopscotch and Harmony Werribee and Belmont who is passionate about supporting people of all ages, however has a particular interest in working with adolescents and adults. Hilary values diversity, and encourages individuals to celebrate their uniqueness- she believes human difference is what makes life interesting! An LGBTIQA+ advocate, Hilary acknowledges the complex nature of sexuality, and is driven to support individuals experiencing challenges arising from sexual diversity

Kate Hardiman, Psychologist

Dad’s mental health matters too. Dad’s have a unique and great impact on their child’s social and emotional development. Listed below are five starting places for Dad’s to explore their role as a parent and caring for their own mental health.

Dad’s are an important member of the parenting team. The Centre for Perinatal Excellence (COPE) have developed a number of resources with valuable and down to earth advice for fathers and partners on adjusting to life with a baby. COPE explores topics such as what to expect during pregnancy, birth, and life with a baby. Information is included on the signs of anxiety and depression to look out for in men. There are also tips for maintaining positive wellbeing during this transitional time.

Dad’s can understand what skills and difficulties are age-appropriate. The Raising Children Network and KidsMatter websites provide information on what to expect from children at different ages and when to seek advice regarding a child’s development. Through learning about typical development, dad’s can feel more confident about understanding the many changes that happen as children grow up and how to support their relationship with their child.

Dad’s have strengths that make them great parents. Take a moment to reflect on what qualities are important to you as a parent. Consider how day to day interactions with your child may or may not display these qualities. It can be easy to miss the remarkable moments of strength, kindness and wisdom that all parents share with their family.

Dad’s can seek support for parenting skills. Participating in a group program can be a great opportunity to connect with other people who may be experiencing similar challenges to your family. It can also offer a chance to hear different strategies and ideas that might work in your family. Evidence based programs include Tuning into Kids, Triple P, and Health Dads Healthy Kids. Sometime attending a program isn’t feasible. Luckily, there are online options such as ParentWorks that can be done at home and at your own pace.

Reach out to employers for organisational support. Balancing multiple priorities such as family, friends, work, and leisure activities can be a stretch. If you are feeling stressed or down you may be able to access an employer assistance program (EAP) giving you access to short-term counselling. Alternatively, it may be possible to have a conversation with an employer around family friendly work arrangements. ​

Stella Franzese, Psychologist

As a Psychologist in private practice, I regularly assist a paediatrician in diagnosing children and adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and/or Intellectual Disability (ID). Diagnoses are communicated to parents within a feedback session, where I outline the assessment findings, convey my rationale for diagnosis, its implications on their child’s functioning and provide specific recommendations that I believe will be beneficial for the child moving forward (whether it be educational adjustments, resources, additional services etc.). Although every feedback session is as unique as the individual being discussed, I often receive the same questions from parents of children with a recent ASD/ID diagnosis: 

Depending on the severity of the neurodevelopmental disorder/delay, this may be a reality for a minority of families, yes. However, for a lot of children this diagnosis does not dictate whether they will be a fulfilled, functional and successful individual.

​I explain to parents that every child has the ability to learn and succeed. However, it is emphasised that these children may acquire new skills differently than their peers and at a different pace.

I encourage parents to be mindful that we all have our strengths and areas that require development (for example social skills/communication for ASD) and that the appropriate recommendations will seek to maximise their child’s opportunity to participate in the world in a way that is meaningful to them.

We discuss short-term goals with a reflection of their strengths, transition to increased independence and generalisation of learnt skills. With every diagnosis, my admiration of parents who transform their anxious energy into proactive and action-focused forces for their children never fades.

It is common to see families initially overcome by a sense of hopelessness, or for some families grieving a future they initially envisioned for their child. In these moments, the anxiety and uncertainty can overshadow other information provided by professionals.

My goal was to write a blog post that would instil hope in our families and what better way to achieve this than to hear from a family that has walked in their shoes. I also wanted our families to hear about a wonderful local business that supports and positively contributes to our local community, ‘Gracie’s Boutique’ in Point Cook.

For this blog, I had the honour of interviewing Kerrie White (owner of Gracie’s Boutique) and her 17-year-old daughter Gracie White, who has a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I also had the pleasure of briefly speaking to Gracie’s younger sister Mia White. We spoke about Gracie’s journey from diagnosis to schooling, intervention, Gracie’s life now and goals for the future. Kerrie and I also spoke about Gracie’s Boutique and its wonderful contributions to our local community. 

Alike to the reports of most parents whose eldest child receives diagnosis of ASD or ID, Kerrie reported that she did not have much experience or knowledge of appropriate developmental milestones and behaviours in early childhood, however noticed “some warning signs” as Gracie was approaching 18 months of age.

Kerrie recounted that following the birth of her younger daughter Mia and the family’s transition from North Sydney to Victoria, she approached Gracie’s new Maternal Health Nurse with concerns regarding her development and “felt that something wasn’t quite right”. Following the nurse’s observations of Gracie, she was referred for a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and for multiple external services (Speech Pathology, Paediatrician, and Early Intervention). Kerrie stated that the family “got on the path pretty quickly” and commenced Speech Pathology and Early Intervention therapy immediately following referral.

From Kerrie’s descriptions, it seems that the Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnostic process has evolved significantly over time. Kerrie reported that families were being placed on a 12-18 month wait list for a public diagnostic assessment in Regional Victoria (let alone Melbourne). Alternatively, families could pay a costly fee to have this assessment conducted privately with little to no wait time, however as a young family it was uncertain whether this was financially viable at the time. Kerrie noted that the diagnostic/intervention process was not the same for any one family and luckily Gracie was able to be assessed within 3-4 months via a Medicare claimable service. “We met a lot of people who were in the same age group as Gracie who later went on different paths with the same result”.

When describing the diagnostic assessment itself, she relayed that it was conducted by a panel of professionals who would observe a child for the majority of the day. In hindsight, Kerrie described Gracie as “classically autistic” and she “ticked a lot of boxes” throughout the diagnostic process (spinning, several repetitive behaviours, echolalia, behavioural compulsions). The diagnostic assessment resulted in a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder provided by a Psychiatrist. “For us, it was the best outcome because at that point we said to ourselves ‘right now we know where we’re at, let’s move on and do whatever needs to be done for her’ ”. 

By the time Gracie was three years of age, she was participating in intensive early intervention therapy (otherwise known as Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) therapy) five afternoons a week in Gracie’s home therapy room (that the family constructed themselves). Kerrie stated that Gracie’s early behavioural therapy was managed and reviewed by a Psychologist who would collaborate with the family as co-therapists. Kerrie stated that early behavioural therapy and implementing PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System) at home “made a massive difference”, however it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Despite this, the family’s ‘take things one day at a time’ approach assisted them in coping throughout these challenging periods when Gracie’s behaviour escalated.

Contrast to current funding systems, Kerrie detailed that families were financially responsible for any services required for their children, as there were no funding frameworks and scarce support groups when Gracie was young. She estimated that the costs of Gracie’s combined services reached an annual total of $40,000, which was a worthy but costly commitment for a young family.

Kerrie reported that Gracie commenced 3-4 year old Kindergarten at a Montessori centre, which promoted Gracie’s independence and play based skills. At the time, Psychologists from the Department of Education conducted assessments with children in their Kindergarten environment to determine their eligibility for entry into specialist schooling. According to Kerrie, given the inconsistency of Gracie’s engagement throughout the testing process and scoring technicalities, she did not meet criteria for entry into a special school and commenced her first term at her local mainstream government school.

Gracie’s first term in a mainstream school was described to be highly distressing for Gracie and the family. “What we thought we had in place was no longer working” “there were a combination of things that did not work for her” “at the time she was distressed and non-verbal”. “Her anxiety was manifesting in her behaviour, such as head butting walls and becoming overwhelmed”.

On one occasion, Gracie reportedly refused to pass a wire fence when requested during a school excursion, as she was adamantly adhering to her family’s rule to not pass wire fences from her grandmother’s property. Following a taxing term, Kerrie obtained exemption from the Department of Education to enrol Gracie into Western Autistic School. This enrolment was conditional provided that the family moved into the local catchment zone and with no hesitation the White family moved their life to the Wyndham area in 2005.

Gracie’s initial enrolment and experience at Western Autistic School was described to be positive. Kerrie reported that “It was a very safe environment” “it made me feel comfortable to have her there”. She recounted that although Gracie gained a lot of life skills from Western Autistic School, the family felt that Gracie would thrive from a specialist setting with more of an academic focus in addition to life skills. In 2009, Gracie was reassessed to determine her eligibility for enrolment into another specialist school. Despite being deemed unassessable as she “put her head through the wall” in distress, she was granted entry into Warringa Park School, commencing in 2010.

“Moving to Warringa Park has been a fantastic move for Gracie...she loves it there and has lots of friends”. “They’ve developed a high level of behavioural management of students, an impressive security protocol and great ratios of teaching staff to students”. “They provide a diverse curriculum for the varying life skills that young individuals want to learn”. Kerrie reported that due to the significant amount of progress made, Gracie had stopped behavioural therapy in 2010.  

1: “Bring everything back to short term”.
2: “Be prepared to make change, it’s not ideal but it’s not the end of the world”
3: “Take a pause, take a breath”
4: “Celebrate the small wins and surround yourself with people that understand how significant the small wins are”
5: “You are your child’s best advocate, it can be overwhelming but it’s a cause worth fighting for”.

​Gracie reported that Mondays at Warringa Park School consist of her favourite subjects (Literacy and Mathematics) and that the rest of the week is dedicated to work experience and other specialist classes. Gracie reported that she has previously participated in work experience at Caley’s Café, Gervey’s Kitchen in Tarneit, Vinnies and Red Cross. This term, Gracie stated that she is completing work experience at Plants Galore in Werribee South. She noted that she’s completing “Travel Ed” and recounted that she recently practised a train commute from Werribee Station to Flinders Street Station, a tram down to Albert Park, as well as tram to Brunswick. She reported that she also learns makeup, skincare and hair grooming/styling at school. Gracie expressed that she enjoys her hospitality classes and stated that she has mastered several recipes including pasta, pancakes, omelettes, spanakopita, apple cinnamon cakes, steak sandwiches, mac and cheese, burritos, curries and noodles (I was tempted to stop her from listing any more recipes before I started drooling, yum!). Gracie reported that she loves to cook and creates a number of dishes at home using the safe knife skills taught to her at school.
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When asked about her career aspirations and future goals, Gracie stated that following the completion of Year 12 in 2019 she would like to begin working at Plants Galore. Mia and Kerrie admiringly shared that Gracie is relentlessly dedicated to whatever goals she sets. 

​If the inviting storefront, charming pieces or ABSOLUTELY irresistible homewares (I’m serious, you won’t leave there empty handed) isn’t reason enough to visit Gracie’s Boutique, allow me to briefly capture its involvement with our local community.

On the occasional Saturday, Gracie will work at Gracie’s Boutique. She reported that she films many promotional videos for the store on social media, steams clothes, creates stickers and stamps store bags. In addition to her many talents and achievements, Gracie creates the beautiful artwork that’s printed on greeting cards that are sold at Gracie’s Boutique (pictured in this blog post). Kerrie reported that Gracie’s passion for drawing and birthdays is what birthed the idea of her greeting cards.

When Gracie isn’t at school or working at Gracie’s Boutique, she enjoys dancing, shopping and is a member of ‘Team Strikers’, a bowling team in her local area. Despite her achievements, it was noted that Gracie still experiences challenges from time to time. Her reported best way of coping on days when she is angry, confused or when she doesn’t understand something is to “take a deep breath”. 

​Gracie was a vivacious and hilarious young woman who was a pleasure to interview. The photo of the two of us at the top of this post is a selfie that Gracie took! (Permission provided by Gracie’s mother to post photo). 

• Gracie’s Boutique collaborates with 15 Wyndham based suppliers and local businesses (some of which partnerships result in 100% of the profits being donated to charity).
• Gracie’s Boutique has provided employment opportunities to young students and four of its employees are mothers of children who have Autism Spectrum Disorder.
• Gracie’s Boutique supports small local businesses in Uganda and personally visited their suppliers this year!
• Gracie’s Boutique is a mentor within the Enterprise in Wyndham program, supporting young talent to structure and grow their entrepreneurial ideas.
• Gracie’s boutique won the Mayoral Wyndham Business Award in 2017. 

Gracie’s Boutique can be found in the Point Cook Town Centre, closest to the Woolworths entrance next door to Rebel Sport. 

This story is a shining example of how the perseverance and dedication of a family paired with the right intervention can make a significant impact on a young person’s life. I’m looking forward to hearing of Gracie’s future notable achievements to add to her successes. Thank you to Kerrie, Gracie and Mia for their time and for sharing their inspirational journey. 

Sarah Gatt, Psychologist

​What is body image?

Body image refers to the thoughts and feelings that a person has towards their body and body parts.

There are a number of things that can influence our body image, including: media, culture, family, and friends.

Why is body image important?

Having a healthy body image can lead to better self-esteem, happiness and confidence among children.

On the other hand, having a poor body-image has been linked with a number of difficulties, including poor self-esteem, withdrawal from physical and social activities, low mood, and disordered eating.

While there has been an emphasis on body image in females, it is important to also be mindful of body image in males
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How can parents promote a healthy body image in children?

• Lead by example. Children learn so much by watching others. It is important that children see their parents and carers being kind and accepting of their own body.  By accepting of your own body, maintaining a positive attitude, and model healthy eating and exercise, you are modelling a positive body image to your child.

 

• Focus on what their body can do. Rather than talking about weight and appearance, focus on how our body works and how it changes. Talk about the importance of having a variety of food, in helping us grow and be healthy. Appreciate all the things that our body can do for us.

 

• Exercise Regularly. Find a sport or physical activity that your child enjoys. Focus on health, social interaction, and fun as the reasons for exercise, not losing weight. Take the time to be active with your child.

 

• Talk about mental health and communicate. Teach and encourage your children to express their feelings. Let them know that it is okay to show all emotions, such as sadness and anger. Take the time to listen to their concerns about their body image.

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If you would like support regarding your child’s or your own body image, please contact us at Hopscotch and Harmony to discuss further with our psychologists and dietitian.

Shu-Lin Pook, Dietitian

People who struggle with body image or an eating disorder can find it difficult to eat. Some families or individuals can be so consumed with the message of healthy eating that the thought of food can provoke a range of emotions, such as feeling anxious when meals are not pre-planned to fit the current “diet”, or feeling guilty from eating the “wrong” or “bad” food.
 
So comes the million-dollar question: What is healthy eating?
 
Society has now accepted that being on diets are normal to achieve that perfect body. There are unlimited messages from social media, friends, and articles about what food is good, or what is healthy for you. It is not surprising for me to see families and children being confused about what they should or should not eat.
 
Let me start off with my top 5 red flags of what is NOT normal / healthy eating:

1. Avoiding whole food groups
2. Having the feeling of guilt when it comes to eating
3. Not knowing how or when to start or stop eating
4. Not able to enjoy meals out or meals related to spontaneous eating
5. Fixated on being a certain weight or what the numbers on the scales say about you

 
1. Avoiding whole food groups
 
Avoiding whole food groups is my number one red flag as it can put a person at risk of nutritional deficiency. From a dietitian point of view, eliminating a food group completely can have detrimental effects on children. Here’s a summary on the 5 main food groups, and a brief summary as to why they are important for health:
 

• Breads & cereals: Main source of fuel for the body in the form of carbohydrates. Wholegrain variety can be a good source of fibre, vitamins and antioxidants over refined grains.
• Fruits: Important source of fibre and vitamins, especially vitamin C. Also provide a good source of carbohydrate to fuel the body.
• Vegetables and legumes / beans: Good source of a variety of vitamins, minerals, and fibre. Having a variety of vegetables can help reduce risk of some cancers, heart diseases and help prevent rapid weight gain.
• Meat & meat alternative: Important source of protein, iron and zinc. Protein is important for building, maintaining and repairing our body tissues.  Vitamin B12 is found ONLY in animal-based products, so vegans should have their vitamin B12 checked and supplemented if low.
• Dairy & dairy alternative: Good source of protein and an essential source of calcium. Important for strong bones and teeth especially in growing children.   

 
I encourage parents to talk about food as fuel or energy for your body. The 5 main food groups above are essential in our diet and we should have them regularly on a daily basis. To find out more about the main 5 food groups, check out the Eat for Health website.
 
2. Having the feeling of guilt when it comes to eating
 
Food should be enjoyed in moderation, and I strongly discourage labelling food as good/bad, or healthy/unhealthy. Children should be enjoying a variety of food and rather than feeling guilty when it comes to eating a certain “bad” food. This can be tricky as lots of adults and parents label food as well.
 
Teaching your child on how to eat as according to their hunger cues is an important part of healthy, normal eating (see point number 3).
 
All foods can (and should) be enjoyed in moderation. Only actively avoid a certain food when that food is dangerous to the health of your child. For an example: a child who has peanut allergy warrants the need to actively avoid peanuts in that child’s diet.
 
3. Not knowing how or when to start or stop eating
 
When should we eat is another common question I get from families. Should my child have 3 set meal times? Should they eat whenever a food is offered?
 
In a way, yes, we should eat according to a set meal time to discourage children from skipping meals. If your child is still young, I encourage parents to decide when and what they would like the child to eat, and the child to decide how much they would eat. This is important for the young child to learn about their hunger cues, and to stop eating when they are full. Children should have 3 main meals and 2-3 snacks in a day. Try not to use food as a way to coax children to eat food that they don’t like, as it can encourage children to eat more even though they are full. This can lead to over-eating, which can cause rapid weight gain in children.
 
Some older children or teenagers can have irregular meal times. This may not be ideal as they can sometimes ignore their hunger cues as they are too busy with other stuff, such as hanging out with friends. Initially, it may be worthwhile to remind them to have something to eat every 4 hours. This helps to regulate their hunger/satiety cues, and with time, they should be eating when they are hungry, and stop eating when they are full.
 
For those who eat out of stress, boredom, or those who eat to regulate their emotions, I strongly suggest working out on mindful eating strategies (which will be covered next week ??) which can be found here:

5. Fixated on being a certain weight 
 
A classic example for this is: “I have to be exactly 63kg because XXX says so”, or “my friend YYY is 39kg, and I want to be at his / her weight”. Most people, including children can work out that one can control their weight by controlling what they eat. This can then spiral into an unhealthy obsession of what and how much one can or should eat to get to this “ideal” weight. This unhealthy obsession can then lead to dieting, obsession with food, and negative body image, which can be difficult to manage especially if left unmanaged.
 
Rather than to focus on what food will do to the numbers on the scales, try to encourage the child to focus on other positive aspects of themselves. A good way to talk about food is to talk about food groups and why variety is important to provide different macronutrients and micronutrients to nourish the body. For a growing child, it is important NOT to discuss about weight loss. If you are concerned about your child’s weight, talk to a health professional such as your GP, paediatrician, or you can to talk about how to manage your child’s weight.
 ​

What a fabulous night the Hopscotch & Harmony team had at the 2018 Wyndham Business Awards! A great evening to have fun and socialise in a setting away from the practice, and so interesting to learn of all the achievements from other local businesses. Wyndham Council to a terrific job putting on this event and we are so grateful to have won the Best Professional Services (Small) category. 

Winning an award like this provides us with a platform to speak about mental health and to de-stigmatise the seeking of support for mental health issues.

​Go team!  

Emily Vujicic, Psychologist

​A life without worry is a dangerous thing. It would mean a lack of concern for consequences of our actions, a reduction in reflective thinking and a reduced drive to get things done by a deadline. It would mean we would step out in front of the busy road, or test if the iron is hot by using our finger.

Worry has been a safety mechanism for us throughout the evolutionary process, and has help ensure our survival. The point being, that a little bit of worry is a good thing.

The other end of the scale is a debilitating experience when we cannot think of anything but mistakes we have made or have a fear of the future that is enough to make us physically sick and interrupt our lives.

So how do we know when to worry about worry? How much is enough? And how to help foster a sense of safety without taking away our children’s ability to experience worry and instead learn to cope with it?

High anxiety can occur in approximately 1 in 10 young people, and the chances of being anxious increase significantly if they are already dealing with an ASD or ADHD diagnosis, or a learning disorder.

If compared to other children you see that your child gets worried more often, and more intensely than others, and things have persisted for some time, then it might be time to get some professional support.

Other signs to look out for include irritability, avoidance of things they might have previously enjoyed, physical complaints like a sore tummy, or comments like things being ‘boring’ or ‘stupid’, when they may in fact be difficult and your child is feeling afraid. Not wanting to go to school or see friends can be a red flag for a child experiencing anxiety.
 
As a parent, there are some things you can do at home to help foster a sense of resilience to things that may be worrying and help your child cope with those feelings.

Some possible ways include:

• Provide your child with a sense of control. Let them learn to make choices and deal with the consequences of that (within reason). This may mean selecting only a small number of friends to invite to a birthday party, when in the week they complete their homework, or how much to commit to after school activities.
• Allow your child to make (safe) risks that are age appropriate. For young children it may mean carrying breakable crockery or for older children it may be to walk the dog around the block by themselves.
• Help your child develop a vocabulary of emotions, and praise/encourage them to share them with you. Model the language to your children e.g. “mummy is frustrated that we are running late for school”.
• At the same time, model calming techniques for dealing with emotions. For example, show how you can take 3 big deep breaths or do some mindfulness techniques together.
• Let your child know that worry is a totally normal feeling, and together, you can cope with what comes.
• Praise the effort that your children apply, rather than the outcome. This is known to help build confidence and self-esteem rather then foster worries about under-achievement. If feedback is given, give it in a way that is constructive and has clear room for growth.

 
The relationship building that you do with your child will ultimately underpin these strategies. Being able to give them the confidence to believe what you say, to confide in you, and to give them the feeling of independence and competence to take on the world.

Don’t minimise the positive interactions that you have together in the big jigsaw puzzle of your child’s world. Plant the seeds of the relationship when they are 5, so they know when they are 15, that you are cheering them on.

Emily Vujicic, Psychologist

Last week I wrote about the 6 specific areas of life/work that have been identified as contributing to stress and burnout. This week, I'm exploring how to help bring your focus back to the positive aspects of your life. One way is to take regular time each day to appreciate the positive things that are happening. Write them down and reflect on them when you need the reminder. 

When we think of self-care, too often we think of bubble baths and date nights. While both of those things are enjoyable and relaxing, it does not have to be your visual when it comes to self-care.

Saying “no” to additional demands is self-care, as is going for a walk around the block for a quiet walk.

Eating a healthy meal, or an act of kindness towards another person can also be a form of self-care.

Trying something new or engaging in a hobby can also be self-care.

Often, we find ourselves saying that we do not have enough time to do some of these things, and our self-care can be one of the first things to drop when we experience stress. However, it is important to remember that taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, it is helping you be the best version of yourself in order to best care for your children.

​Having a consistent time in the day scheduled for self-care can increase the chance that it happens and can be for just 3 minutes per day to start with. Being energised and refreshed helps us parents with patience and compassion and helps us model to our children that it is ok to take time for ourselves, ask for help and deal with our stresses in healthy ways.
 
So, when you feel the stress and negativity creeping in, remember that it is ok to stop and ask for help. Giving 100% of yourself does not have to mean working until you fall apart. Having someone to talk things through can help give you some perspective, and often just getting things out of your head can be helpful. It may be helpful for you to consider services like Parentline (1300 30 1300), lifeline (13 11 14), your GP or even the ear of a friend.
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Emily Vujicic, Psychologist

Sometimes it’s incredible to think about what our body can take during times of stress. We can continue to ‘soldier on’ during busy and stressful life events, while juggling work, family, friends, finances, and the list continues. Being a parent can bring about some of the most stressful times of our lives. We can find that we become exhausted, and resentful, and while juggling all of those balls, it often feels like what we are doing is just not good enough.

Most of the time, we find that we can do this OK, but ‘burning the candle at both ends’ over a prolonged period of time can have a significant and detrimental effect on our health and well-being.

There are 6 specific areas of life/work that have been identified as contributing to stress and burnout.

A feeling of a lack of control, and not having a say in what is going on can be created by the uncertainty or ambiguity of a situation.

When your core values are in conflict with someone or with an event, this can be very stressful. This may be an increase in work demands that is impacting on family time.

Feeling taken for granted or feel like you are not being appreciated can be a common feeling for all parents and can be a contributor to those feelings of resentment.

With demands of home and work, it can often feel like it is impossible to prioritise. Everything seems like it is the most important task, and it can feel endless.

Feeling on top of things can be even harder if you feel like there is something that is unfair about what is in front of you.

Finally, if you feel like there is a breakdown of in the connection between your loved ones, it can feel incredibly stressful and isolating.

As the stress continues we find that we continue to get sick. This is because our immune system is being weakened, and we are more vulnerable to illness. It also takes us longer to feel better when we are stressed. We also feel a lack of energy or fatigued. It might mean coming home from work and being unable to muster up the energy to do extra things like exercise, or hobbies that you enjoy.
 
To help reduce the chance of burnout, it takes practise to remind ourselves to be “good enough” and not perfect. This is not always easy, and it much easier said than done, but it helps us to remember the good and positive things that we are doing and achieving, rather than the things we are not doing, or missing. The feelings of gratitude are a major contributor to happiness, while perfectionism can be linked to depression and anxiety. Read Part 2 of this blog post to learn how to help bring your focus back to the positive. 

Megan Mellington, Psychologist

As a parent, we will undoubtedly encounter moments of frustration towards our children. It could be awoken by the simplest of circumstances, such as needing to repeat ourselves like a broken record, intervening with siblings squabbling over a toy, or because we are stressed by other things and our tolerance for managing challenging behaviours is limited.

However, as many of you might already have experienced, when we respond with anger this often only escalates the situation with our child, and they too may then respond in a similar manner. While many of us have regrettably resorted to shouting, questioning or punishments out of anger, what is important to remember, first of all, is that you are human.

Anger is a normal part of the spectrum of human emotions. Anger isn’t bad, it reminds us that we are passionate about something like perhaps wishing to raise respectful, emotionally regulated and empathic little humans. So when less than desirable behaviours are observed in our children, we want to help them develop ways to self-manage, through teaching and implementing boundaries.

​Sometimes though, when we have been teaching and redirecting our children all day, our waning tolerance for their tantrums or perceived “defiance” can move us to anger. This article aims to outline some tips about how to tame our own “angries” so that you can engage with your children in a mindful and empathic way.

I've previously shared Dr Dan Siegal's video explanation of what happens in the brain when we get angry and how the thinking part gets shut down. So how do we get our “thinking brain” back online so that we can respond in a more helpful way for our children? The following are several brief tips I often use in parent consultations to support this process:

• When the breath is calm, the mind will follow: When we are in the throes of our own anger, the simplest and quickest way to re-engage the thinking brain is to take slow deep breaths. Once the “alarm system” part of the brain has been switched off through breath, we are better able to engage in rational thought processes, thus increasing our capacity to respond to our children in a more mindful manner.

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• Step away and come back to the situation. If anger is coming up for you, and as long as your child is safe, it is best to step away for a moment, regroup with a few deep breaths, and then ponder what you would like to teach in that moment. Getting your thinking brain back online before responding will help you engage more positively, and help you guide and offer redirection. It is important to inform your child about what you are doing. This will also help them understand that this is an adaptive way of managing anger.

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• Think about what kind of parent you want to be: Sometimes taking a pause before responding reactively to your child by pondering what kind of parent you want and how you would like your child to remember you, can help to shape your response. For example, if you’re prone to yelling, what will this teach your child about how to manage anger, and will this move you towards or away from the parent you want to be.

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• Rupture and repair: Dan Siegal states that ruptures in the relationships with our children are inevitable and can occur when we respond in highly emotional and reactive ways. But all is not lost, and repair can assist in creating a healing reconnection with our child. Repair also provides a space for letting your child know that you are human, we all experience anger and that if we say or do something that hurts another’s feelings, we can work through these experiences and reconnect.

     Repair involves:

1. Insight into your own emotional overreaction
2. Taking a moment to analyse what is really going on in the situation
3. Tuning in emotionally to what is happening for your child and naming it
4. Making efforts to let your child know that it was an overreaction, and providing recognition of our effect on them
5. Problem solving with your child about how you might manage this situation in future

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• Reframing: It may be the case when we have “flipped our lid” and we are feeling angry with our children that we have thoughts of “he is so defiant”, or “my child is manipulative”. But when we become fused with these ideas, this can often create further frustration. What if we were to instead reframe these thoughts so that we could then reduce our own distress and respond more empathically? For example, instead of thinking “she is deliberately trying to frustrate me”, try to reframe the observed behaviour by asking ourselves “what is my child trying to communicate to me?”

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• Focus on the desired behaviour: Instead of paying attention to what the child is doing “wrong”, try changing your language to help the child understand what it is you would like them to do. For example, instead of saying “Don’t spill it”, you could say “carry it with two hands”. This may take some conscious effort to re-word our initial response to our children but may assist in reducing frustration by way of giving our child direct instructions about what behaviour you would like to see. ​

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We can’t always be an emotionally regulated parent, and we shouldn’t expect this of ourselves. Even if we do take our anger out on our children, there are many things we can do to minimise the likelihood of this happening in future. If we can tame our “angries” by recognising our emotional state, taking a pause before responding, and regulating ourselves before attempting to regulate our child, we are modelling adaptive and healthy ways of managing anger. ​