What to do When Your Child Says They Hate You

Being hated is not the goal in any relationship, and it can cut especially deep when the child you have loved and supported for years screams these words at you. Try these three approaches the next time your child shouts these words at you from across the room. 

Regulate

Remember that feelings are catching. It is completely understandable that you are having a huge emotional reaction to hearing these words from your child. It will also only escalate the situation if you react from that emotional state. Make a rule of taking five minutes when you hear that phrase if possible to return to calm. 

Understand 

A child’s ability to feel and express emotions is the most developed part of their brain. That’s why they will often resort to exaggerated language in a highly emotional state. Try to approach this phrase with curiosity asking what is my child trying to communicate with those words? What big emotion motivates those big words. You will almost certainly determine that the emotion is not hatred but something closer to frustration, fear, or anger. 

Problem solve

Once you and your child are both calm, validate their emotions by verbally describing what might be happening. ‘You said you hated me when I told you no more screens for today, I wonder if you are feeling a bit bored, and maybe even lonely?’ Again, a child’s strongest part of their brain is the region that produces emotions so sometimes they need an adult to model the rationale path out of a meltdown.

Abby Elder
Provisional Psychologist