Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Dan Siegal talks about the parts of the brain involved in emotion regulation. He also coined the term, “flipping your lid” as a metaphor for our experience of being in the throes of anger, and what happens in our brain when anger takes hold. This Hand Model of the Brain clip demonstrates this idea beautifully. As Dan Siegal outlines, there are two main parts of the brain involved in anger; the pre frontal cortex or “thinking brain”, and the amygdala or “alarm system”. In my next post, read how we get our “thinking brain” back online so that we can respond in a more helpful way for our children. Infant mental health refers to how well an infant (newborns to the age of three) develops socially and emotionally. Specifically, this refers to: developing the ability to form close and secure adult and peer relationships experiencing, managing and expressing a full range of emotions exploring the environment and learning How to promote Infant Mental Health Infant mental health can be nurtured through a secure and stable relationship with their caregiver. This is done by what caregivers do, the things they say, as well as through the environment created at home. It includes even small things that caregivers may do without even noticing it, such as talking to your infant and spending time with them. In particular, noticing and responding to your infant’s cues can help to nurture your relationship with your infant as well as support their mental health. Learning to understand your infant’s unique cues Cues refers to the sounds and movements infants make. These can include facial expressions, vocalisations, body movements and reactions. Cues can be as subtle as an opening hand or widening their eyes. Cues let us know something about the infant’s needs, their emotional state and physical state. In other words, cues are an infant’s way of communicating with us. Caregivers can learn to understand what an infant is trying to communicate by:
understand your infants cues every time! However, become a curious observer of your infant and their cues. Continue trying to understand what your infant is trying to communicate. Responding to you infant’s cues As cues are a way for your infant to converse, it is important for caregivers to respond to these cues. This involves responding sensitively and promptly. By responding to your infant’s cues, it helps the infant make sense of the world. It lets them know that their caregiver will respond to them when they are feeling insecure, it makes them feel safe, creates a predictable routine and creates trust. Understanding and responding to your infant’s cues is just one way that you can promote your infant’s mental health. It is also very important that caregivers take care of themselves and their own mental health, in order to continue to build a secure and stable relationship with their infant. If you would like support regarding your infant’s mental health or your own mental health, please contact Hopscotch and Harmony to discuss further.
Jessica Cleary, Psychologist You wouldn't be alone if the mere thought of getting your kids to brush their teeth each morning and night fills you with dread. BUT we have come across something amazing in our household that has the little ones excited to brush their teeth. There are quite a few different tooth brushing apps but this initiative tops them all. Chompers is a 2-minute, twice daily podcast that perfectly entertains kids while they brush. It even reminds them when it's time to start brushing the next quadrant of their mouths. Following the "3,2,1 BRUSH!" to get started, kids will hear jokes, riddles, stories, fun facts and silly songs before the concluding "3, 2, 1 SPIT!". Chompers can help teeth brushing time become a bonding, enjoyable time as parents and kids can have a giggle together. We play it via Apple Podcasts but there are other options as well. Enjoy, and I hope it makes a difference for your family!
Jesse Diggins, Psychologist As school and work begins for another year, so does the daily ritual of inquiring about our loved one’s day. Children and adults alike give the customary, ‘good’ and the conversation halts before it ever gained any momentum. We can do better! Here are 7 new questions to ask to avoid that dreaded loop. 1. What went well today? This question is used as a part of a core exercise by Positive Psychologists because it promotes reflection on our strengths and generates gratitude. To take this further and get closer to the original exercise titled ‘Three Blessings’, ask the question three times over and follow it with the question, ‘Why did it go well?’. 2. Who helped you today? 3. Who did you help today? These questions are used ritually at one of my workplaces. They create a sense of community and connection with peers. For parents, these questions may be helpful in identifying the positive relationships in your child’s life that you can encourage to grow. 4. What are you learning at the moment? 5. What are you working on at the moment? 6. What did you find challenging today? All of the above are open-ended questions. Unlike closed questions - such as ‘How was your day?’, or, ‘Did you have a good day?’ - these open-ended questions are difficult to answer with just one word. Counsellors use these questions all the time as they generate conversation flow and elicit useful information. 7. What would your teacher/boss say about you? Another way of disrupting the default reaction to label our day with basic adjectives is by changing the perspective. Stepping outside ourselves provides this circuit breaker and prompts a deeper level of insight that can get us thinking and communicating.
Dr Annabel Chan, Clinical Psychologist Is a child in your life transgender? Do you think they might be? Are you feeling confused or overwhelmed, and wondering what it will mean for your family? Relax, because it’s okay to be uncertain! Having a transgender child doesn’t mean parents and carers will instantly know everything about the topic - it’s a learning path a family can travel together. All you need is the willingness to learn, grow, and become an empowered parent. While Australian data are still coming together, we know at least 1.4 million adults in the United States are living as transgender. Your child is not alone, and needs support to grow into a healthy and self-accepting adult. To get that going, here are 5 simple tips to help you and your transgender child, no matter where you both are on the journey. 1.There is no right time for acceptance. Parents sometimes shy away from discussing sex and sexuality with children, opting to “wait till they are older” and avoid awkwardness or uncomfortable questions. Unfortunately, without an environment that includes safe, open discussions about gender and sexual identities, a child can feel anxious about coming out to their loved ones. Take the lead! Create a family culture of openness and non-judgement that includes non-confronting conversations about sexuality and gender. Try discussing a movie or TV character with your teen - “Hey, Penguin doesn’t seem to be sexually attracted to any other characters in Gotham. Maybe he’s asexual. What do you think?” 2. Accept who they are, don’t assume who they are. If a child might be transgender, go with the flow, and don’t dismiss it as “just a phase”. It’s true that some children who identify as trans later change their mind, but this is a low percentage. Even if your child is part of this small group, there is no harm in accepting their identity now. Remember that not every transgender child will want to transition, have surgery or hormonal treatment, wear a certain type of clothing, change their hobbies, or is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual. Listen to your child about what being trans means to them, and let their individuality lead the way. Oh, and be careful about “mis-gendering” a child by unconsciously using terms and expectations that don’t fit their true gender. Not every girl likes wearing dresses, and not all boys are aggressive or into sports. Your child can identify with a gender without accepting stereotypes! This can be as basic as using their birth name instead of their chosen name - Jill might have been “Jack” at birth, but calling her that denies part of her identity. Families will slip up, and parents might even feel hurt by their child choosing a new name, but it’s okay to apologise, accept, and move forward. There’s no right way to be trans. 3. Learn. Learn. Learn. Overwhelmed parents, trying to keep up with new terminologies and expectations, can sometimes wish for “the good old days”, when everyone was just male, female and straight. But remember, transgender people, along with all the other colours on the LGBTIQA+ rainbow, have always existed, but were forced into silence or punished for speaking out. Even though the rate of change can seem exhausting, this is how we create a world where transgender children can grow up safe and healthy. There used to be only two kinds of bread, but life is richer with chia seed loaves and sourdough! Speaking of bread, meet... The fantastic and adorable Genderbread Person is a great and simple way for parents to discuss the differences between sex, gender, attraction, and expression with their child. Who knows, you may not be as heteronormative as you thought you were! 4. Be their protective factor. People who identify as transgender have significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide, which is sometimes used to argue against transgender acceptance. But being trans isn’t the problem - it’s the discrimination, stigma, and abuse they can face daily, and compromises their wellbeing. Being transgender is not a mental illness, and a child’s gender identity is not a symptom that needs treatment. Therapy can, however, help your child find new ways to cope with the challenges of being transgender in a world that hasn’t reached full acceptance, so consider sending your child to a transgender-friendly psychotherapist. Be their loudest and proudest advocate but never “out” your child - they can choose who to share their transgender status with. No one needs to know until your child is ready to tell them. The best way you can advocate and show solidarity is to give your child control over their own story. Fun fact: family support is the strongest predictor of health and happiness for transgender people. Offer your child this unconditional support, and watch them flourish into a happy, healthy adult. 5. Seek your own support. Parents of transgender children may face stigma, unkindness from friends or relatives, challenges with their religious or cultural communities, and struggles with changed expectations of their child’s future. Seeking your own professional support may help to manage the challenges of being in a transgender family, and provide strengths that protect you and your child. Find a local or online support group. Engage in psychotherapy. Learn from the lived experiences of transgender people. Come to terms with your child’s identity, and be a leader and champion for our first generation of free and accepted transgender Australians! Thank you greatly to Michelle Sheppard (link: https://mishsheppard.com/), trans woman, colleague, and friend, for her input and guidance to this article. If you and/or your child can benefit from support from trained and diversity-friendly psychologists, give us a call today! Hopscotch and Harmony provides safe and judgement-free therapeutic spaces for children, teenagers, and parents who may need a little boost and guidance on your journey of self-discovery.
By Jessica Cleary, Psychologist "Your normal may be their magic." It's all about perspective mamas! This video is sure to pull at your heart strings as you watch vlogger Esther Anderson's moving piece of her day from the perspective of both herself and then her young daughter. After watching, you can't help but reflect on the way you sum up your own days. Do you hold on to the magical moments and celebrate them? Or do the frustrations leave a more lasting impression? Let this be today's challenge: Notice and hold on to the magic. Breathe in the giggles and the sillyness, the cuddles and the kisses. Breathe out the tantrums and tears, the defiance and backchat. See if it makes a difference on the way you feel. There's a good chance it will!
This time of year means different things for different people. It can be a time where families come together, a time when we are reminded of what might have been, a time of joy or a time of sadness. Emotions are heightened and stress levels can be high.
When our stress levels are running high it doesn’t take much to send us over the edge and get fired up about things that wouldn’t normally bother us.. To keep the rising stress at bay, here are 6 ways to reduce the Chirstmas chaos overwhelm.
The beauty about these ideas is that you can start immediately. They are simple and if you can introduce a couple of them to your days, you are sure to notice a difference in the way you feel. Parents are trying hard. Really hard. I see it every day both within my psychology practice and with my own parenting friends and family. Whether it’s doing your best to channel the communication skills of a hostage negotiator as you convince your 5yo to have a shower (because, you know, it’s been four days and this kid really needs to bathe), or whether it’s setting boundaries with your teen on social media after discovering she has been involved in a cyberbullying incident, IT IS HARD.
Throughout this roller coaster ride we call parenting, we are continually faced with decisions regarding discipline. One way parents might respond to a child’s undesirable behaviour involves shaming. Parents generally use shame to get children to do what the parents want. It’s a way to control the situation. Shaming occurs when we speak to our children in certain ways. It involves a comment about what a child IS, rather than about the child’s BEHAVIOUR, that gives children a negative view of themselves. Shaming can sound like this: “You’re a horrible girl”, “You are so selfish – share!”, “That’s how a baby acts. Are you a baby?”, “Stop acting like an idiot”. Parents might think that if they make their child feel bad enough then they will think twice before behaving the same way again. But over time, shamed children become withdrawn and feel less capable to make good decisions. Research tells us that feeling shamed is associated with feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, eating disorder symptoms, port-traumatic stress disorder and suicidal ideation. Feeling shamed is related to risky behaviours. You may instead want your children to feel remorse, to understand their actions are not OK, and to know the impact their behaviour has on others. If you want these factors to be what drives your children to behave better in the future, then it’s GUILT you’re after, not shame. Guilt can lead to emotional growth whereas shame is debilitating and can cause all kinds of problems. It has a much more inward focus then guilt. Guilt teaches “I did a bad thing”. Shame teaches “I am a bad person”. But even the most well-intentioned parents might default to shaming language during stressful times. We lose control of ourselves and things slip out of our mouths in the heat of the moment. Let’s face it – adults can be as impulsive as kids at times! When our buttons are pushed, shaming helps relieve parenting frustration and release anger. We do not want our children to feel that they aren’t worthy. Some of you will know what this feels like. It’s painful, and damaging. So I encourage you to think of the bigger picture. Think about the children you are raising. What are your hopes for them? If you are like the many parents, it’s safe to assume that you want your children to be successful. You want them to go out into this world with an ‘I can’ attitude. Brene Brown, shame researcher, states in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, “…when it comes to our feelings of love, belonging, and worthiness, we are most shaped by our families of origin — what we hear, what we’re told, and perhaps most importantly, how we observe our parents engaging in the world.” If you want your children to feel they are worthy, then work hard to create new habits of how you relate to your kids when they are acting inappropriately. It’s not necessary for a child to feel bad about themselves to learn better behaviours. Does it blow you away when you see your little one master a new skill? Are you fascinated by how your child learns?
Understanding a little about cognitive development gives you an insight into how little minds work. Cognitive development refers to the process of growth and change in intellectual abilities such as how a person perceives, thinks, and gains understanding of his or her world. By learning what is typical and appropriate for general age groups, behaviour can be considered in the context of a child’s cognitive development. You might learn behaviour that’s bothering you is a typical part of development and this knowledge may ease any accompanying frustration you feel. You might even feel relieved knowing you don’t need to try to change your child. You don’t have a ‘naughty’ child nor are you a ‘bad’ parent. Piaget (1936) was an influential psychologist and his theory of cognitive development continues to shape our understanding of child development. His four proposed stages are outlined below: Sensorimotor Stage From birth until about 2 years, infants are busy discovering relationships between their bodies and the environment. The child relies on their senses of seeing, touching, sucking and feeling to learn. Object permanence is an important part of this stage. If you cover a toy with a blanket and your baby stops showing interest then it is likely that he hasn’t mastered object permanence yet. He thinks that the object doesn’t exist anymore as it cannot be seen. If your baby actively looks for the toy under the blanket then you can be confident that your little one understands that the toy still exists even though it can’t be seen. Babies also learn through trial-and-error and cause-and-effect multiple times a day. It might be that he shakes a rattle to make noise or pulls a string to bring a toy closer to himself. Babies are little scientists and quickly learn to solve problems, and make predictions about how their behaviour has an effect on others. They way you respond has an impact on the conclusions infants will make. Preoperational Stage Have you noticed that your 2-year-old calls all ladies ‘mummy’? Or all men ‘daddy’? Welcome to the preoperational stage of development! During this stage, children react to all similar things as if they are identical. They also make inferences from one specific object to another. Looking at an orange in the fruit bowl your child is likely to reason, “My ball is round, that thing is round, so that thing must be a ball”. Children are yet to use logic to understand ideas. This is why you might be experiencing frustration trying to use logic to explain something to your preschooler. Most preoperational thinking is self-centred. I bet you’ve noticed that your child has difficulty understanding life from any other perspective than his own, right? Your child at age 4-7 is very me, myself, and I oriented. At this stage your child assumes that other people see, hear, and feel exactly the same as he does. Notice that when two children at this developmental stage are playing with one another, although they probably talk to each other in turn, they have their own agenda and may seem oblivious to the content of what the other child is saying! All normal! As children work through this stage they build on their experiences and adapt to the world around them. They become able to mentally represent events and objects, and engage in symbolic play. The Concrete Operational Stage Children in this stage are generally around 7-11 years. This is when we see children use logic to solve problems, but for the most part this logic is limited to physical objects. These children are not yet able to think abstractly or hypothetically. You will find your child has lost their “all about me” thinking as well. One indication that a child has reached this stage is that they understand something stays the same quantity even though its appearance changes. This is called conservation. For example, if liquid is poured from a short wide container into a tall narrow container your 8-year-old will likely tell you it’s the same quantity of water. Your 5 year-old, on the other hand, is likely to insist that there is more water in the taller container because the appearance has changed. The Formal Operational Stage This final stage in Piaget’s theory begins at about 11 years of age and continues throughout adulthood. Piaget did indicate, and this is supported by subsequent research, that some people never reach this stage of cognitive development. This stage sees adolescents gain the ability to think in an abstract manner. Ideas (such as maths problems) can be manipulated in your child’s head without having to rely on physical objects. How a child solves the following problem gives an indication of whether or not they have reached the formal operation stage of development: If Sam swims faster than James and Declan swims faster than Sam, who is the fastest swimmer? Children in the Concrete Operational stage might need to draw a picture to help them solve the problem, whereas children in the Formal Operational stage can reason the answer in their heads. In the early years of life, relationships with primary caregivers provide the experience that shapes how genes express themselves within the brain. Piaget’s take home message was that children need to be active in exploring the world around them and making discoveries. Opportunities are everywhere! So encourage your child to learn through experience and observe the beauty that is a child learning and developing. Caring, responsive adults play a vital role in providing stimulation and support for children’s cognitive development. A 2-year-old boy reaches for a biscuit that has been left on the counter “Naughty boy! You’ve had one already!” his mother says sternly, hitting his hand away. Now a 5-year-old, the boy is drawing and gets black ink on the armchair. “You cause me no end of trouble! Get to your room!”, his mother shouts. Now an 8-year-old, the boy is getting ready for basketball training, and struggles to tie his laces. “You’re hopeless” says his father in an exasperated tone as he ties them up for him.
What is the repeated message this child has received from his parents over the years? He has learned that he is naughty, a trouble maker and not good enough. The way he feels and acts are bad and he is a disappointment to his parents. The parents in this case are communicating in a way that shames their son. They are implying he is “bad” rather than focusing on the “bad” behaviour. He experiences a great deal of shame. As Brene Brown states: “Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can do and be better. When we shame and label our children we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviours. If a child tells a lie, she can change the behaviour. If she is a liar - where’s the potential for change in that?” Being criticised and humiliated affects a child’s self-esteem for years to come. The words you use to label your children will become their inner voice. The words you use will shape their self-identity. The little voice in your child’s head will repeat these words to himself when he makes mistakes. As he grows, he will shame himself in just the same way as he has been shamed over the years by those closest to him. One of the amazing things about a child’s brain is that it is changeable. Repeated experiences affect brain growth and development. How do you want your child’s brain to develop? Over time, the repeated experiences of our child influence this change. This, of course, includes the thousands of interactions you have with them. Given this, it is important to respond to your child with love and sensitivity as best you can so as to nurture the brain and overall development. Let’s look at the same child but with different style of parenting: A 2-year-old boy reaches for a biscuit that has been left on the counter “Oh you would really like another biscuit. No more today. Come sit on my lap and look at this book.” his mother says empathetically. Now a 5-year-old, the boy is drawing and gets black ink on the armchair. After taking a few seconds to compose herself, his mother says, “Hmm you were trying to colour the pages but you got ink on the couch. Help me try to get it off and then you can colour at the table”. Now an 8-year-old, the boy is getting ready for basketball training and struggles to tie his laces. “It looks like you need a little help. Can I show you again one way to do them?” says his father in an encouraging tone as he slowly goes through the steps to shoe tying. This child has a different experience than the first. The messages he has learned is that he is loved, supported and that his feelings matter. He and his parents are on the same team. He is worthy. Shaming by parents is very common and is often deemed acceptable. But just because it is common does not mean it is OK. Our words matter. You may be reading this thinking of the times you have used shaming language with your own children. You might be feeling guilty or regret for some of the things you have said in the past. Be kind to yourself. Even the most expert of child experts is bound to have made some bad parenting decisions in their time. We are emotional beings after all. You can become more intentional about the experiences you give your children. You can more carefully choose the words you speak and the way you treat your child. I want you to remember the child’s brain is changeable. All of a child’s experiences affect the brain and influences the way they view and interact with the world. What will your words and actions be teaching your child? Sometimes our kids push our buttons. Sometimes (most times?) we’re exhausted. Sometimes the demands of parenting exceed our capacity to cope. And sometimes, as a result, we yell at our kids. And as you may have found – yelling doesn’t help anyone. It often makes us feel terrible, and our children are likely to yell back, cry, or stare at us with wide, frightened eyes. What it doesn’t do is make our children suddenly stop the behaviour that is undesirable and act more appropriately. And if it does, it's because they are scared of us. What can you do when you realise you have lost control and are yelling at your kids? 1. Stop. 2. Take a few steps back and take some deep breaths. 3. If the children are safe and your emotions are still running strong, leave the room and let your anger subside. 4. Don’t dwell on what’s happened. Forgive yourself and go to your child. You can turn this into a valuable lesson for both of you. 5. Apologise. Something like: “Hey, sweetheart, I’m so sorry I yelled at you. That was pretty scary, huh?” or: “I got very angry and didn’t use my words the way I should have. I’m sorry.” 6. Ask your child: “Instead of yelling, what could I do next time when I’m feeling angry?” Brainstorm better alternatives with your child. Ideas might include: taking deep breaths, hitting a pillow, walking away, counting to 10. 7. When everyone is calm, discuss with your child the reason for your anger. Having this conversation when emotions are more settled will result in a more rational, productive discussion. So, after your flip out you can actually model to your child the following things: 1. How to calm yourself when angry. 2. How to apologise and acknowledge that your behaviour wasn’t the best way to solve the problem. 3. How to problem solve and generate appropriate alternatives to yelling that your child may then apply themselves when they are feeling angry. We are all human and don’t always parent the way we imagined we would pre-kids. But demonstrating how we can make mistakes and learn from them is a valuable life skill for our little cherubs. |
Categories
All
|