How Do I Support My Children with Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry is a common issue in families with multiple children, and can be challenging for parents to manage. Here at H&H we often hear the distress of parents at their wits end and get asked the question “how can I help my children to stop arguing?” Whilst we appreciate that every family situation is unique, here are some tips to get you started in supporting your children in moments of conflict:

1. Set clear expectations: It's important to establish clear expectations for behaviour and to communicate these to your children. Setting no more than 5 specific household rules that everyone follows can support children in understanding the family boundaries. Similarly having predetermined consequences for when the rules are broken can assist children in understanding what to expect and parents to not react and set consequences in moments of heightened emotion. 
   
2. Avoid comparisons: Comparing one child to another can exacerbate feelings of jealousy and resentment between siblings. Instead, try to focus on each child's individual strengths and encourage them to support each other.
   
3. Encourage communication: Encourage your children to express their feelings and concerns openly and honestly with each other. This can help them to build stronger relationships and resolve conflicts more effectively.
   
4. Spend quality time with each child: Spending quality one-on-one time with each child can help them to feel valued and reduce feelings of competition between siblings.
   
5. Teach conflict resolution skills: Teach your children effective conflict resolution skills, such as listening actively, compromising, and finding solutions that work for everyone. Avoid trying to be the problem solver when there is a disagreement, but rather ask them what they think they can do together to resolve the conflict. 
   
6. Don't take sides: It's important to remain neutral in conflicts between siblings and avoid taking sides. Instead, focus on helping them to work through their issues and find solutions together.
   
7. Model positive behaviour: Children often learn by example, so it's important to model positive behaviour and healthy conflict resolution skills in your own relationships. This involves modelling how to disagree appropriately, using a calm face voice and body. 
   
8. Support your children in understanding their experience behind the disagreement using reflective language. This might look like “I can see that you both want the same toy, it’s very frustrating when someone wants something you also want”. This validation of their experience will help the children to feel heard.
   

Remember, sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up, and it's important to approach it with patience and understanding. If you find that your children are struggling with ongoing conflicts or if you need additional support, consider seeking the help of a qualified healthcare professional or therapist.

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Written by Martha Mulley