Worried about your child’s worries? Tips to reduce your child’s anxiety

It’s common for parents to feel concerned when their child is worrying too much.  You may wonder whether it’s just a phase or whether things are going to get worse. You may feel powerless to help your child feel better. We all know what it’s like to feel anxious and stressed and, if you are like most parents, you desperately want to relieve your child from this discomfort.  Here are some ways in which you can help:

• Make sure your child is not over scheduled. It’s important that all of us have time to rest, relax and recharge. Ensure your child has the opportunity to regularly take part in activities that he/she finds relaxing. Toys, games, sports (non-competitive), painting and yoga (check out kids’ yoga on YouTube) are some ideas to explore if your child seems to have limited interests.
• It is important not to burden your child with adult problems. Keep conversations about your own worries between yourself and other adults, and only when your child is well out of ear shot. Children pick up a lot of what goes on around them even when it looks as though they are not paying attention.
• If your child says that he/she is worried or scared, it is important for you to keep calm and keep your own anxiety in check. If your child picks up on your anxiety he/she is essentially getting the message that there is actually something to be worried about, and it can escalate the situation.
• When your child tells you about his/her worries or other negative feelings, listen without judgment.  Remember they are true and real for your child even if they don’t seem rational to you. Demonstrate that you have heard your child by validating your child’s fear (eg “I can really see how worried you are about this”). Dismissing the fear (e.g. “you’re ok!”) or shaming the child for feeling that particular way (“don’t be silly, you’re a big boy!”) will not help. Instead, your child is likely to believe that you do not listen or understand what is going on, and as well as feeling anxious he/she may also now feel frustrated. 
• Give your child the opportunity to problem solve and come up with possible solutions. If your child cannot yet come up with solutions alone, offer a few suggestions and encourage your child to choose from them.
• Help your child understand the importance of facing a fear.  Although it’s natural to avoid things we are afraid of, this avoidance will only maintain the anxiety. Your child will learn that by gradually facing the fear, the intensity of the emotions will ease.  On a similar note, ensure anxiety does not prevent your child from doing things that he/she is capable of doing.  
• Recognise when your child takes a step to manage anxiety.  Say something like “You must be so proud of yourself for what you’ve done!” Notice that the suggestion isn’t to say how proud you are of your child (although it is of course ok to say this as well – just don’t make it the focus). This helps your child make the connection between his/her own behaviours and feelings, and serves as a prompt for the child to use positive self-talk (e.g., "Yes, I do feel proud").
• Teach your child relaxation strategies (such as deep breathing, slow counting to 10, or visualising a calming place such as a forest or outer space!).
• Do you find yourself reassuring your child a lot? Children can come to rely on this to help them feel better. And often it doesn't really help anyway! Try to limit the amount of reassurance you give (e.g., “you’ll be alright”, “it’s ok”) and focus on problem solving instead.
• Your child will learn from what you do rather than what you say. Do you avoid your fears or face them? If you look for the positive in situations, your child will learn to do the same.

Finally...

• Please remember that you are not alone! Childhood anxiety is very common and many parents, like you, are trying to help their children through these big feelings. Keeping informed and putting into practice the information you read is likely to give your child the best chance at learning to manage worried feelings.
• If you would like further support or feel that your child’s anxiety is escalating and interfering with daily activities then please consult with a mental health professional. For those of you in Melbourne’s west a Hopscotch & Harmony psychologist can help you.